Divorced Muslim Women Speak: A Roundtable (Part 2)

Continued from Part 1. 


What was the most challenging thing you experienced post the divorce?

Rasha: "The worst part of my divorce was not having anyone that I could speak to and get advice - either from a counseling perspective or from someone in my own shoes. Divorce is so taboo in our society that I kept most of my feelings to myself. For the first two years, I retreated into my own world - just took care of myself and my children. Learning to juggle all of life's duties especially with the kids - mainly alone - proved to be difficult. But alhamdulillah Allah has opened doors in so many ways."

Nancy: "Finances. The ex refuses to pay child support, and continued to abuse me until I discontinued visiting arrangements."

Heidi: "Showing strength so that my parents wouldn't collapse, accepting being labeled as previously married at a young age, announcing the news to my circle of people."

Anisa: "Not being in an intimate relationship."

Nisma: "The most challenging thing was getting over the breakdown of the marriage and the social stigma attached to it. I had to learn to rise above comments made and how people perceive me and live my life for myself."

Sonia: "Nothing prepares you for the pain of divorce. I think it is more painful than the death of a spouse -- but I've never experienced that, so perhaps I don't know. I think the most challenging thing in my case was accepting that this was the will of God, and remembering that God never gives us a challenge we can't handle -- and then trusting myself to handle it."


Angela: "I think the most challenging thing for me post divorce is really being honest with myself and the things that I want. The reason why is because he and I could have avoided a divorce by avoiding a marriage if he was honest with himself that "marriage" wasn't something that he wanted at the moment when he first pursued me! But because he wanted to live up to some image in the Muslim community among his Muslim friends he wanted to get married--- and HE CLEARLY wasn't ready to get married once we got married! I would have been cool if he and I dated for a long while before taking the step into marriage. I'm not of the opinion that dating translates into automatic sin.

I'm against people doing things that they truly are not ready for because of pressure, because they want to live up into an "image". To get where I am at right now, takes a lot of experience AND a lot of personal responsibility. I AM OKAY now with people speculating/assuming/gossiping about what I do because I've realized that I'm the only person that really knows what I do and only Allah (swt) knows the absolute truth. I don't have to live for these other people."


Carol: "For me was handling the transition from being with someone for the rest of my life to them not being apart of that plan anymore. I suffered deep depression post the divorce and didn't realize I was depressed although I was relieved to be away from his abuse. A failed marriage does affect your confidence and self-esteem. You always wonder if there was something you could have done to save the marriage from taking that turn. And the anxiety of being single at a much older age scared me, still does although it's been 6 years."

If you have children, were you granted full custody? 

Rasha: "I have sole-custody." 

Nancy: "There is no custody decree. The ex filed when I was pregnant, and never modified the filing."

Nisma: "I have full custody of my child, however I encouraged contact between with my ex as such, my child spends 2 nights a month with my ex."

Do you wish to remarry? If yes, please continue below. If No, please jump to question #20 

The majority responded "Yes"

What do you think you will do differently the second time around?

Rasha: "I plan on spending more time with face-to-face interaction with potentials, getting to know his family and friends on a more personal level, and setting the ground rules from the very start. Items which have no negotiation will be laid out on the table so there is no confusion down the road. The second time around, I'll definitely think more with my brain than with my heart."

Nancy: "Be much more choosy, and take my time."

Anisa: "I am not perfect, I have learned from my mistakes. But Islam before anything else, making that a foundation for the marriage."

Nisma: "I will make sure that I stand up for the rights Islam has given me and to not be weak."

Angela: "Haha, my third. I think I would literally write down the marriage contract and not allow his "super-Muslim" self tell me "Well I am a Muslim therefore I wouldn't even DO that" when it came to concerns that I had. Meaning allow him to tell me that he wouldn't even do the "silly" things that I am afraid of him doing, therefore it shouldn't even entertain my mind. I would make a very clear contract with him. I also would go over what is and what isn't in the Quran about marriage. I also would seek a guy who wants interested in having a LOVER, a FRIEND and not just some woman he can now sleep with."

Carol: "I'd require we be in a relationship prior to a marriage. I'd like to get to know him on many levels by engaging in different activities in the community and get to know his friends and family. I'd also be honest about my opinions on marriage and my position as his wife. And most importantly I'd focus on my sexual needs and speak of them frankly without haya (shyness) because that's is important to me."

In your opinion, how has your 'divorced' label affected your future marriage prospects?  Do you feel your choices of future prospects have been limited? If so, in what way?

Rasha: "Unfortunately, in the area that I live in, it's definitely cut my prospects to almost nil. Anytime there has been any talk of a prospect, as soon as my marital status is known, and especially when it's known that I have children, the prospects usually back off. Often times, the prospects will know all of this information, agree to communicate, and then never ever contact me. I've also noticed that most men in the Muslim community, even if they are single parents themselves, will prefer to marry a woman without children or a woman who has never married before. Being a step-parent doesn't seem to mesh well with Arab Muslim men."

Nancy: "There are men who are explicitly not interested in women who have been married before. But having a child seems to limit my prospects even more."


Anisa: "I feel it has affected. When people find out I’m divorced, they back out. Or some people only refer me to people that have been divorced themselves, no matter what their age."

Nisma: "The divorced label, along with the fact that I have a child, has severely limited my opportunities. From my friends, to my family, everybody is of the opinion that I will only be able to marry a fellow divorcee and that I should not expect a man who is single to want to marry me or take on the 'burden' of another man's child. I have been advised that I should go 'back home' to marry if I really want to."

Angela: "I haven't looked to get remarried yet. I'm fairly young and I own property so I don't think that it is the divorce part that will hurt me. I am expecting my first child though, so now I will be a single mother so of course that is going to exclude some people. But I'm fine with being a single mother. If I never marry again I will be okay, perfectly happy."

Carol: "Yes. Most people in my community refer older divorced men as potentials. Many of these men are either currently still in relationships or are looking to use my citizenship as a result of our marriage. My choices are limited and must exclude younger unmarried Muslim men." 

Has anyone rejected you (marriage prospect) solely on the reason you are divorced? If so, please provide detail of the experience. 

Rasha: "Yes. On 5 - 6 occasions, there has been interest shown from a prospect, whether directly or via a mutual friend. Agreement is made to begin communication. Then I never hear back. When the mutual party eventually asks the prospect why they haven't contacted me, the response: "well, she seems like an amazing woman but she's divorced and she has two children. I don't think I can be a 'step-parent.'"

Nancy: "Men have probably screened me out, as I make no secret about being divorced or having a child."

Anisa: "Yes. A brother once said that although he liked me, his parents are traditional and would not agree with the idea of marrying someone divorced."

Nisma: "The divorced label, along with the fact that I have a child, has severely limited my opportunities. From my friends, to my family, everybody is of the opinion that I will only be able to marry a fellow divorcee and that I should not expect a man who is single to want to marry me or take on the 'burden' of another mans child. I have been advised that I should go 'back home' to marry if I really want to."Angela: "I haven't looked to get remarried yet. I'm fairly young and I own property so I don't think that it is the divorce part that will hurt me. I am expecting my first child though, so now I will be a single mother so of course that is going to exclude some people. But I'm fine with being a single mother. If I never marry again I will be okay, perfectly happy."

Carol: "Yes. The different prospects liked me individually but their families rejected me solely based on being married before although it was a perfect fit."

Are marriage prospects open to raising children from your previous marriage?

Rasha: "The prospects that I have had so far - none have been willing."

Nancy: "Usually. They are often divorced themselves, and usually have at least one child."

Nisma: "In general, they are not, and if they are, they have stated that they would not interfere with my child's upbringing. I have not been agreeable to this as this would essentially exclude my child from the family."

How much of your marriage and divorce do you share with future prospects? 

Rasha: "Honestly, I have never even gotten to the point to communicating with a prospect. The door always closes before it even opens."

Nancy: "I discuss the danger my ex presents, but that's about it."

Anisa: "I like to share the major details and let them know right at the beginning so that their will be no “surprises” in the future."

Nisma: "I don't share intimate details, unless asked, but I tell them what I believe is essential. Namely, the fact that i am divorced and why."

Angela: "I'm not going to share much at all."

Carol: "Very little. I think I own my past and I don't need to justify/defend it by any means. I do share that I was abused and why I stayed for so long in the marriage." 

How do you plan to find your next husband? Online dating, family, work, university, etc. 

Rasha: "I was hoping to meet my next husband in a social environment, via family, mutual friends, work, etc."

Nancy: "Online seems to be my best bet."

Anisa: "I’m using an online service at the moment, however through family/friends is the best way I feel."

Nisma: "As I am aware that my options are severly limited, I am open to all avenues."

Angela: "I can't even think of that. I'm not going to focus on finding a husband. I'm going to allow it to come when it wants to come on its on."

Carol: "I am open to anything, but I believe face-to-face interactions is a MUST." 

If you've been in serious talks with a prospect, how has his family reacted to your marital status or having children? Have they embraced you or fought the marriage? Please be detailed. 

Anisa: "One prospects family did not mind my being divorced, however the contact ended for other reasons. Another prospect really liked me, but again his mother did not like the idea of me being divorced but used other reasons to change her sons thinking i.e. my education, she(mother) cannot travel too far."

Nisma: "I am currently considering someone, but as he is aware that his family will create obstacles, he has put off telling his family until all steps have been taken and we are completely ready for the marriage to take place."

Carol: "They fought the marriage and ended everything without even attempting to get to know me or my family."

How does your family feel about you remarrying? Are they as involved as they were in your first marriage?

Rasha: "My family definitely supports my remarrying, but have really left it up to me to find my spouse."

Nancy: "They don't know I'm looking, and won't until I've a serious suitor."

Anisa: "My family is definitely involved, even more so now because we want to make sure we take the right steps. Someone who is religious is a priority."   

Nisma: "My family are very encouraging and feel that it is very important for me to remarry to provide a stable family life for my child, however they are not at all involved and have essentially left me to my own devices."

Carol: "They encourage it and they aren't involved at all. They expect me to find someone on my own."

Finally, is there anything you would like to add from your personal experiences to help support other divorced Muslim women, please share below. 

Rasha: "Divorce isn't the end of the world. Life goes on. Sometimes it's the best option for both parties involved. Often times, it's healthier for children to see two happy parents separately, than see two parents living together that have no interaction or happy times. The number one person to take care of, especially if you are a single mother, is yourself. You will be a better mother if you take care of yourself. You need to be healthy in order to take care of your children. Do whatever it takes to make sure you can stand on your own two feet. Even if means seeing a counselor. Counseling is so taboo in our Muslim communities - we really have to get over this challenge! Finally, never let other people's negative comments affect you. People will always judge you - whether you are married or not. Do what you think works best for you, not for others."

Nancy: "I get blamed for the abuse, infidelity, and the subsequent divorce. I want other Muslim divorcees to know that what their ex chose to do had little to do with them, even if the ex blames them. You may be his excuse, but not his reason, and chances are, if he's remarried, he's doing the same to his next wife."

Heidi: "I'd like to advise them not to be sad about it, tests are a must in this world, marriage if it's good it's wonderful, if it's awful, it's an experience."

Anisa: "One thing which definitely bothers me are mothers who are not willing to let their sons go. They still treat them as if they are a child. I feel if a young man feels he is ready to marry, then the parents should respect that and his decisions. I feel sometimes the parents come up with the strangest reasons to not have their son marry, even though he may be interested in the girl, but then in the end he feels he has to obey his parents in every way. There is a difference between obeying and respecting your parents, especially mothers."

Nisma: "I think that it is very important that women make sure that they are aware of all the rights that Islam provides for them in a marital setting and that they do not compromise these at any costs."


Sonia: "I can tell you about the things that have gotten me through this so far: prayer, reading, solitude, running, and trying to take care of myself. I'm pretty sure that everyone who gets married never imagines it ending in divorce. But it often does, I guess. I think the key is accepting that this is the path God has chosen for us. It is hard, but it is the hard things that in the end give us strength."

Angela: "I believe that divorced single women should find themselves before getting into another marriage. But please understand that being single does not mean "living in sin". There are many paths you can take in your journey of being single, you choose it. YOU be AWARE of your decisions. You know how there are men who aren't romantics, there are plenty of women out there who aren't either. Therefore evaluate what YOU need. Do you need a romance? Do you need a man? Do you even need sex? Do you need someone to help support you? What does YOUR FIRST NAME AND LAST NAME need? Stop letting other people tell you what is better for you when you know that it isn't even your issue."

Carol: "My only advice to divorced women is to stay strong and remember that marriage shouldn't be the only goal in one's life. Get to know yourself (inside and out), improve who you are financially, physically and emotionally. Don't worry, you'll remarry and be happy again. There are plenty of good people out there, just believe when the time is right it will happen." 

[the end]


Special thanks to all the ladies who took the time to email their responses. You are examples of strong, articulate and leading Muslim women. A standing ovation to all of you.

Muslim Divorced Women Speak: A Roundtable (Part 1)

As Western Muslims come to grips with their on-going struggle to establish an autonomous identity free from cultural carry-over from the East; battle Islamophobia; and create a unique brand of Islam specific to a Western life, they've managed to neglect a large portion of the community: divorced Muslim women. 

We often hear about the importance of marriage and family in Islam, but rarely the issues of separation, divorce and life post a divorce within the Western context is discussed. Some of the obstacles faced by Muslim women in case of divorce: 1) The rigorous process of acquiring an Islamic divorce in the absence of any laws supporting the religious marriage in the Western world; 2) The challenge of raising a family as a single parent and subsequent financial obligations (alimony, child support, etc), especially if a civil marriage never took place; 3) Dealing with the stigma attached to being a divorcee trickled through 'back home' mentalities; 4) The inevitable search for a new Muslim husband willing to accept the woman's divorced label and children from the previous relationship if present.

It's important to note that as new generations of Muslims emerge within the Western world, the dissonance of Eastern and Western interpretation of Islam will only strengthen. The Muslim scholarship will need to scramble to address these issues to meet the Western Muslim population. Divorce was prevalent among the Prophet's companions, and even the Prophet himself married a divorcee. One might wonder when and where divorced women became 'used' and 'unwanted' commodities sold at a cheaper price?

The goal of this project is to empower divorced Muslim women and provide them with a forum to address their REAL anecdotal accounts as Muslim women in the Western world. I've interviewed 8 women for this project via email and have consent to publish their responses anonymously*. There remains much to be researched, analyzed, and changed respectively.

*Note: names have been changed to protect the privacy of the interviewees.
The Roundtable:

How long were you married?

Rasha: 6 years
Nancy: 22 months
Heidi: 40 days
Anisa: 2 months
Nisma: 3 years
Sonia: 6 years
Angela: 7 months
Carol: 3 years

How long have you been divorced?

Rasha: 5.5 years
Nancy: 2 years
Heidi: 32 months
Anisa: 2 years
Nisma: 1 year
Sonia: 4 months
Angela: 3 months
Carol: 6 years

Were you legally married according to your country's law (other than Islamic)?

Responses varied.

Do you have children?

Responses varied.

Without giving away personal details/identities of any parties involved, why do you think your marriage ended?

Rasha: "My ex-husband was unable to handle the responsibilities related to marriage - i.e. immature."

Heidi: "Erectile dysfunction, physical and emotional abuse."

Nancy: "He was abusive and unfaithful, and I refused to tolerate it."

Anisa: "The husband and his family were unwilling to work together and come up with solutions. The parents had more of a say in the process. The husband took a back seat."

Nisma: "The marriage ended because my ex and his family had a distorted and cultural view of the role of a wife/daughter in law by essentially keeping me locked in the marital home for 7 months. I was still looking to reconcile because I was pregnant but my ex husband flew to his country and remarried 2 days after my child was born.

Sonia: "I was abused."

Angela: "I believe my marriage ended because I feel like there is a culture of Muslim men who do not understand that a marriage involves a relationship and not just a contract. My husband was a man among these men. It was like everything in our marriage was a "transaction".

Carol: "My ex-husband physically, mentally and emotionally abused me in the name of Islam."

Was your family supportive of your divorce? If so, provide a few examples.

Rasha: "Initially, my family tried everything to make sure we made all attempts to salvage the marriage (positively of course). Unfortunately, the other party was not open for any sort of discussion, counseling, etc. So given that situation, my family decided to stand with me and offer all of the support they could."

Heidi: "Yes, they were alhamdulelah. They helped me to file for khul'a [divorce initiated by female]."

Nancy: "At first, they pressed me to return to him, but now, they've accepted it."

Anisa: "They were supportive throughout the whole process. We didn’t want it to end in a divorce, but in the end we knew that it was inevitable."

Nisma: "My family were incredibly supportive of my divorce and without them I probably would have never found the strength to ask my ex husband for a divorce. They encouraged me to ask and also told me not to go back and that they would support me in looking after my son."

Sonia: "Yes, my family did not question my decision at all, and they helped me to get the divorce."

Angela: "Yes. My family definitely knew that he and I had problems so when I moved back into their home, they were welcoming. I feel like his parents supported a divorce because elements of the contract--- which I would call "traditional expectations" were not being followed. So I feel like my family supported the divorce because they knew how frustrated I was that there wasn't a real relationship being built."

Carol: " Yes. In fact, my family were relieved that I was escaping his abuse and ill behavior."

What was the reaction of the community to your divorce? Were they in favor, indifferent or strongly against the divorce? Provide examples if applicable.

Rasha: "Most of the community, including myself, was in utter shock. Many thought of us as the "ideal couple" so when the news started spreading, there were lots of questions. I don't think anyone encouraged the divorce per se. Family friends made sure that I tried everything possible to make sure the decision wasn't regretted later. Some people however, made some insensitive comments. "I sure hope you were the one that left him, not him leaving you" - that was quite hurtful, especially when my husband left me for no apparent reason."

Nancy: "They were mostly indifferent. But some blamed me for not putting up with the abuse and infidelity."

Anisa: "They were supportive and said Allah swt has reasons for everything."

Nisma: "My community have very stereotypical views towards divorced women, and although they didn't have any opinion towards my divorce, other than being incredibly nosey as to the details, they have very negative and prejudiced views of me.

Some members have been strongly against the divorce, even though my ex husband had remarried and was living with his second wife (who was pregnant at the time) and a lady even made the effort to come to my place of work and try to convince me to not ask for a divorce and go back to him."

Sonia: "I've not really discussed the divorce with many people. My close friends have been very supportive. I don't think society in general is very accepting of divorce, and I personally believe it is a truly awful thing to do/experience. But, sometimes there is literally no choice. Often people make assumptions about the cause of the divorce, but fail to understand the amount of suffering involved."

Angela: "I am not involved in the community so I couldn't really say. I would say that we went to two counselors and they both agreed we should get divorced."

Carol: "Most people were shocked to learn of the abuse since I was successful at hiding all signs. I found that people who were more involved with the community - and religious - encouraged reconciliation, while folks away from the community celebrated the fact I left him and was FREE of abuse."
--

Te be continued in Part 2.