Unconventional marriage within the Muslim American community has been a growing concern as the Muslim American narrative expands. Intercultural marriages have become somewhat of a norm within many Muslim communities around the U.S. The lines of culture have been blurred and many families have dropped traditional expectations to stay within one's culture or region from "back home." Indeed intercultural marriage is only one of many unconventional forms of marriage within the Muslim community.
Unconventional marriages include a Muslim native marrying a convert Muslim or someone outside their culture or race; marrying an older/younger man or woman; marrying a divorcee with or without children; individuals with visible and non-visible disabilities, individuals with low academic or financial prospects; and individuals with known fertility difficulties, etc. Certainly, no one denies that these populations within the Muslim community deserve to find happiness, BUT they do prefer they stick to their "own kind" because that seems to be the natural order of things. But one must question, is that a reasonable thought? Why should we punish and exclude individuals solely based on labels they didn't acquire by "choice?"
It's time as a Muslim American culture that we become accepting of "reject" Muslims and be inclusive as God meant us to be. It's also equally important that adult Muslim Americans "ready" for marriage take on a more adult, independent role when it comes to selecting a spouse. There is no doubt that family and friends' input is invaluable when it comes to major life decisions, but it shouldn't be in anyway the ONLY determining factor. The notion that parents have "ownership" over their children MUST be eradicated. God commanded children to be kind to their parents, but not unreasonably foolish to please their every whim!
Most Muslims won't deny or even disagree the importance of this topic, but how many would begin to practice this? My dear friend Javed (aka
Hijabman) has led by example. He fell in love with a beautiful divorced mother (of different cultural background) and married her WITHOUT a blink. Javed has taken on the role as father to his daughter and a great Muslim husband to his new bride. I have much respect for Javed for truly practicing what he had preached for years! I am also happy to report they have one of the best marriages I've seen in years. Kudos to Mr. and Mrs. Hijabman (and let's not forget Warrior Princess)!
Below you will find four case studies of individuals I've interviewed for this project. Aspects of the stories have been altered to maintain anonymity of the individuals. Let's alter the American Muslim narrative to be inclusive and less heartbreaking for all involved.
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Case Study #1:
Ayah was a young professional Muslim American of Eastern origin. She met Talha at her local mosque during a Ramadan dinner. She was passing out baklava, a famous Arab dessert, to interfaith guests that night and caught Talha's attention. Conversation flew easy despite their age difference. Ayah asked her friends if they knew Talha and they did. He was a great young man with ambition. Many months later Talha and Ayah would cross paths and begin to date with intention of a serious relationship (marriage) when they both finished their studies at the university. Ayah introduced Talha to her parents and they really liked him. Talha did the same but his mother wasn't as enthusiastic of the new found friendship. She asked Talha to stop seeing Ayah because in Islam it's haraam for a man and woman to be friends. Talha and Ayah struggled with the idea, but eventually began a secret relationship that lasted a couple of years. When Ayah and Talha completed their education, they decided to inform their parents of their desire to get married.
Talha's mother rejected the idea immediately. Although being a religious and pious woman herself never missing a prayer, she found the age difference between Talha and Ayah worrying, although she herself was married to a much older man. However, in this instance Ayah was older than Talha. Another excuse was Ayah's parents were divorced and that meant she didn't come from a "good" family. Talha argued with his parents that their reservations were unIslamic in nature and they had no right to disapprove. Talha's mother made it clear her health couldn't handle such arguments and the issue was over. Talha and Ayah after many years of contributing to their community had to split. Many community members were unhappy with the outcome and the actions of Talha's family, but they understood how culturally they were sound. When Talha was asked after the split if he would begin searching for a new potential spouse, he exclaimed: "Why should I even bother when they'll reject anyone I suggest?"
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Case Study #2
Nirmeen was a bright medical student with a succesful future ahead of her. She met Brian at a local community event and they instantly became friends. Brian was a convert to Islam of many years and was actively involved in the Muslim community. The attraction between Nirmeen and Brian was inevitable. She enjoyed their late night conversations and occasional outings when medical school gave her a break to do so. When Nirmeen's and Brian's relationship took a serious turn they began considering marriage. Nirmeen approached her Arab family about her desire to marry Brian, a White convert. Her mother in particular didn't want to hear anything about it and insisted Nirmeen was worth an Arab man of equal status. Nirmeen's family rejected the possibility of even getting to know Brian as a person. He simply didn't meet the criteria due to his ethnicity.
Nirmeen continued to see Brian but was heartbroken at the possibility of not being with Brian. Brian and Nirmeen had intense debates as a result. They both wanted this badly, but Nirmeen couldn't possibly defy her family. She loved them too much. Nirmeen's grades started to suffer in medical school, so did her health. She lost weight and became a shadow of her old bubbly self. Nirmeen threatened, argued and persuaded her family. She consulted with her local Imam to assist her to convince her family that their rejection of Brian was unfounded and unIslamic. After an entire year of pure agony, Nirmeen's family agreed to their engagement.
Nirmeen and Brian have been happily married for over 5 years and have 2 beautiful children together. Nirmeen loves her new family and would never trade it for anything.
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Case Study #3
Hazem a Ph.D. divorced male from a Pakistani British family who married a young woman his parents had chosen for him out of many possible candidates. They had a daughter their first year of marriage, but Hazem’s young bride was unhappy with their arranged marriage. Eventually, the couple called it quits and Hazem was a divorced Muslim male with a daughter. When it came for Hazem to remarry, he met a sweet professional woman who had never been married before. Mona became close friends with Hazem. Over the years, Mona and Hazem developed a strong friendship that eventually developed into something more. Luckily, Mona and Hazem were of the same ethnic background. When Mona introduced Hazem to her family, they immediately rejected the thought of a ‘divorced’ man marrying their virginal daughter. Mona and Hazem attempted to convince Mona’s family that he is indeed worthy of their daughter. The parents rejected all talks with the young couple and made it clear their approval would never happen. Mona had to make a tough decision: choose her family or the love of her life.
After years of attempts, Mona decided to take the reins of her own life and married Hazem without her family’s consent, although with their knowledge. Mona is happily married to Hazem but her heart continues to break because her parents might never recognize her marriage or any future children from this union.
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Case Study #4
Abeer is a young divorced Muslim woman who divorced at a very young age due to physical and emotional abuse. She reports that the divorce was a very difficult stage in her life. She would often wonder if her decision to leave her abuser was a correct one. Sometimes when the community would judge her harshly because of her label, she often contemplated if staying with her abuser would have been better. Abeer met Wael a young Muslim man closer to her age. They met through a popular social media and their messages soon evolved from friendship to admiration. Wael made his intentions clear toward Abeer and let her know he'd talk to his parents as soon he had the opportunity. Wael didn't mind that Abeer was divorced, he admired her for what she was.
When Wael informed his family of his new found crush, they were devastated. His family threatened to cut him off if he pursued this relationship. One of the parents started exhibiting physical symptoms due to this union and was promptly rushed to the hospital. Wael although persistent to pursue Abeer, had to surrender his dreams to avoid his family's disappointment and eventual demise. How could Wael live knowing he caused his own family so much pain and suffering? Wael's sister sent an email to Abeer threatening someone of her 'kind' (divorced) to stop THINKING of having a relationship with her 'pure' brother. Abeer had never heard from Wael again and it appears that his family forced him into an arranged marriage. Abeer feels worthless and hurt by the experience. She says: "This experience hurt worse than my own divorce!"
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