*Disclaimer: The author has the right to delete comments that are offensive and irrelevant to the post*
Someone asked recently (non-Muslim) if I was religious. It took a minute for me to respond. "No, I am not" I said cautiously. I was suddenly full of awareness of what I just said. I was admitting to something MOST people would deny to themselves and others. But why?
I'm not religious because I don't know how to be.
You see, I grew up in a typical Egyptian family with little influence from Islam as a religion, but more of a culture. When I was old enough to understand religion, I didn't care for it. I understood that I was Muslim because that's what my family was. Muslims couldn't do certain things which was taught in the context of culture, the Arab way.
In my late teens, I decided my faith, my spirituality was important. I had listened to a few series on the Day of Judgment and decided I didn't want to end up in flames like the speaker warned quoting powerful versus from the Quran.
Fear:
So I became 'religious' under the pretense of piety. I would start to pray, cover my head and later make other sacrifices to avoid God's wrath. According to the lectures and online Muslim forums, there were only FEW ways to attain salvation, and they were almost always impossible to achieve.
I spent a number of years pretending to be religious although I knew nothing of God. I didn't love God. I had no connection with this mighty being. However, I LOVED being His personal spokesperson. I'd advocate, reprimand, judge all in HIS name. I had the most powerful KING, CREATOR ever on my side. I had the license to bully.
Abuse:
I learned over the years that religious meant a number of things. It meant I couldn't think for myself. As a woman, I was lesser than a man. I should accept that God has favored one gender over the other. The way I dress will determine which side I'll be on the day of judgment. Religiosity meant isolation from the modern world. Other religions were doomed to hell. When I died, I got to watch my MAN screw 72 virgins. I should feel guilty all the time because NO MATTER what I did, I'll never attain the level of piety that is required to please God.
I should be good to please God because I loved Him. But did I? Did they? The pressure was on and you eventually snap. Some turn to atheism, some to another religion. I did neither. It was easier to believe ANYONE who claimed to have the golden keys to heaven.
Cults:
I consider a lot of mainstream religious Muslims cult members. In their little circles of Salafis, Sufis, Ikhwanis, Hanafi, Tablighis, Hanbalis, Sha'fa'es, Progressives, Quranists. They engage in cult-like behavior. They have a leader with a bunch of blind followers. They become indistinguishable. Ask any Salafi about Sheikh ibn Al Baz or Albani, they'll have a religious boner.
Love:
In the midst of my journey I finally got it. I learned about God when I no longer considered myself religious, or as some folk would label 'weak.' When you suddenly decide you've given up on your journey, you discover that it only just started. That maybe, it's time to Re-Learn Islam the way God meant it to be.
I want to love Islam. I have faith in Islam as a religion. But I don't know how to be a follower while distancing myself from the crazies that claim it as their own. How? I want to Re-Learn Islam Allah's way, the Messenger's way. Not the patriarchal version we are left with today. I want the love of God to fill me, to suffice. I don't want to feel the guilt. I want the image of the angry God waiting with a lightening bolt to vanish.
So, "No" I am not religious but I love God, Al Wadud.
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