Below is an account of a traumatic event that occurred to friend. Let's put an end to violence against women by speaking up without shame! I want to thank my friend for her beautiful courage for coming forward. Peace.
**
by Anonymous.
My freshman year was by far a challenging one: I was date raped by a very close friend of mine.
In September, I met Yusuf in class. He was a great friend and we would hang out and laugh a lot. He had had a great soul and cared about the world. We had our philosophical conversations about life, religion, politics, and the world for hours at a time. One day in April, Yusuf asked if I would have lunch with him. Our date was casual; afterwards he asked if I wanted to go to his place. I didn’t think too much of it, I had been to his apartment before and it had been completely innocent. He lived alone. I should have seen the signs. In retrospect it’s all so clear. But I was blinded by my trust in him.
Instead of protecting myself, I walked into the lion’s den. Vulnerable. He got onto his bed, and I distanced myself sitting at his chair. Our friendship was strictly platonic so I didn’t think too much of it. After a while, he asked me to join him on the bed. Because I trusted him, I got on his bed, and we talked for a long time. And then he was kissing me. I told him I was not comfortable kissing him. “Relax Fatima, we’re just having fun,” he repeated, on and on. Kissing him was already pushing my boundaries; I wasn’t okay with it. Then he started groping me, and touching me, and I was so uncomfortable.
Before I knew what was happening, both our pants were off.
I tried to talk him out of it, told him I wasn’t comfortable, told him I wasn’t ready for sex with him and all the consequences it would bring. He told me that it wasn’t a big deal, that it was just fun, but I kept repeating, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. No. No. No. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t”. But instead of hearing my pleading, he pressed himself into me. I whispered, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” Then I just shut down, completely blocked out the world. My response to this traumatic, terrible thing was to turn myself off instead of fighting or fleeing.
I stared at the flag of Saudi Arabia the entire duration of it, at the shahada, the foundation of Islam, There is no God but God and Muhammad (saw) is the last Prophet.
Afterwards, he asked if I was okay, and I said, “Yusuf, did I ever say yes to you?” His response I will never forget. “No, but you silently consented”. I wasn’t okay with that answer. I looked at him and shrugged. He said, “Do you really think I raped you? How could you ever think I would do that to you?” I didn’t have words. I was confused. Was I just imaging it? Making a big deal of a casual college sexual experience?
Nothing made any sense after that. I went home and lay in bed feeling dirty and confused. I felt so alone. I kept the TV on – blaring -the silence was too loud. I took close to 40 showers in two days. I just never felt clean enough. I began telling close friends, a few didn’t believe me because they knew him, and didn’t think he was capable of such an atrocious act. I felt like my life had fallen apart, almost as if someone had unraveled the thread of my sanity. The rest of the semester went by in a haze. I’m not sure how I woke up each day, how I got ready, how I went about the most basic things.
That summer went by and each day I couldn’t force myself out of bed. I would sleep all day, and genuinely considered suicide. But I realized that I had too much to live for. This couldn’t be the darkest point of my life, and if it was, there was only one place to go from there: up. In the fall, I surrounded myself with amazing people at my new job. One of my advisors changed my life. She gave me the reigns to my life back; she helped me realize that it wasn’t my fault, and that I would be okay again. My biggest hurt was that it was a betrayal from such a good friend. He was kind, and genuine. He helped orphans, graduated Cum Laude. He wanted to change the world. He wanted to make a difference.
It’s been a year and a half and I still see him from time to time, and I feel like everything I’ve worked so hard to be, comes tumbling down around me again when I do. I had to start over from scratch because of this. I had to rebuild my life and my foundations. I lost my sanity, stability, and I had to fight to regain it. I never took legal action and I don’t regret that decision, but I know that karma overcomes all. I’ve thought time and time again what I would say to him if I was given an honest chance, but in some ways, it’s okay that it happened. If it had to happen, I’m grateful that it did the way it did. I love the person I am now, I have so much strength of character, I’m passionate and I’m courageous. Everything I’m not made me everything I am.
**
Disclaimer: the author of the blog reserves the right to delete comments that are demeaning or offensive in nature.
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66 reflections:
you know what? I've put myself into situations like these countless times and the first half you mentioned was familiar, the second half you know what alhamdulilah I've been able to talk my way out of it. I didn't care how "bad" i looked in front of them for not letting it get "that far" kuss ommhom. Don't ever be ashamed of that because there is nothing to be ashamed of. It happened and that's it. I was actually surprised how you started off the story looking at his good qualities and the good moments. You're definitely a strong person. I'm glad you felt like sharing this story :)
First, If you said "No I cant" then that is not silently consenting. It is saying no even if its a whisper. Even if he wasn't convinced you were, and with sex both people have the veto power. Under his logic you could have tazed him and he wouldn't be convinced.
Also what type of man would have sex with a women if she is clearly not enjoying it? That is something an animal does not a human. I have been in middle of sex, and if I wasn't enjoying it I would stop. It's not my fault that due to thier incompatance they weren't pleasing me. I have no obligation even mid act to ensure thier pleaser if they can't ensure mine.
Many time pressing charges is more traumatic and taxing then getting over it. The laws are to lax on sexual crimes, and proving them is to stressfull for the trivial justace provided. I am a huge fan of making the justice equally as harsh as the crime. Then men would think before they act.
When you do see him, you have to remember you carry no shame, for his lack of controll. Rape is the sole shame of the rapest not the victim. So you look right into his eyes and shame him with your strength because you are the strong one, and he is the weak one. Rape is the crime of the coward.
Assalamu Aleykum,
I put myself in the same kind of situation and the exact same thing happened to me years ago, but I wasn't a muslim at that time, I had no guidance at all.What that "brother" has done to you is horrible, he will certainly get his punishment both in this life and the next one InshALLAH, even though it doesn't appear clearly to you.You're a strong woman mashALLAH and you've managed to move on with your life in the best manner even after this traumatic event.
On another note, I would like to remind all the young muslimahs out there, that friendship between a man and a woman is forbidden by ALLAH SWT, free mixing is something that leads to seclusion, and when a man and a woman are in seclusion, the third part is shaytan.Parents (and especially the father who is the guardian), have responsibilities over their children as long as they are under their guardianship, and should protect their daughters and not let them hang out freely with men.The parents will also be acountable for everything that happened to their daughter while they were not protecting her.
This kind of situation can be avoided by keeping strict segregation rules, no contact with non mahram man, and no free hanging out.This is the wiseness of our beautiful Deen.I'm not being judgemental here, as I've done the same mistakes, but just want to remind our young sisters, that haram situation leads to disasters.
May ALLAH SWT help all our sisters out there to stay on the right path and heal from their wounds.Ameen.
Sorry, but I have to address the above comment:
". . . I would like to remind all the young muslimahs out there, that friendship between a man and a woman is forbidden by ALLAH SWT. . . . Parents (and especially the father who is the guardian), have responsibilities over their children as long as they are under their guardianship, and should protect their daughters and not let them hang out freely with men. . . . This kind of situation can be avoided by keeping strict segregation rules, no contact with non mahram man, and no free hanging out."
What. A load. Of crap. Anyone who believes that strict sex segregation is the way to solve such issues clearly doesn't realize how many cases of sexual assault happen in places like Saudi Arabia due to the LACK of mixing between the sexes. Also, this idea is completely baseless in regards to the way Muslims lived during the Prophet's time.
How can you make the claim that God Himself has mandated this full-on separation? Are you a scholar? And why is it only the responsibility of the "young Muslimahs"? Are men too not responsible? Are sexual assaults not usually committed by men? And people who go to college often do not live around their parents, and therefore cannot be "protected" by them.
I'm sure you think your heart is in the right place, but I have to inform you that you have been misled by the same rigid rhetoric that plagues so many other converts. I pray that you will realize that everything about Islam is not as black and white as you think, and that many of your favorite YouTube lecturers are often horribly misguided. Salaams.
@846,
You have clearly misunderstood me.I have clearly said that what that man has done is horrible.It is of course, a HORRIBLE thing and he is fully guilty and responsible, as I stated, the man who has done this to the sister will be PUNISHED for it.I've never ever said that women are guilty and men are not, but the contrary.
I can't change the pervert minds of the people who do these kinds of things and this is why I am advising sisters on how to avoid such situations.People during our Prophet (SAWW) times used to address our Prophet (SAWW) behind curtains, and non mahram men and women didn't stay in seclusion together, plus they were people of high morality which is really rare nowadays.
Sexual assults happen in Saudia Arabia just like anywhere in the world, as crazy pervert people can be found whorlwide.I believe that the Saudi society is not based on Shariah but that Hypocrisy is rampant over there.Sometimes even fathers abuse their own daughters.
Now that I have clarified the facts that I believe that men are fully guilty for assaulting women, the only thing I can do is advising our sisters on how to avoid sexual abuses in such situation as "being in seclusion in a room with a non mahram, in a western country".I didn't talk about anyother situation anywhere else.Parents do have a high responsibilities and the guardian is in charge of his daughter's safety, wether you like it or not, and I believe that sending daughters away far from home for education, without mahram, is unislamic and leads to this kind of trauma for girls.
I've never blamed the sister and will never blame any sister for they are the victims of such assults.I just advised them on how to avoid the situation which has been described in the post.
Now saying that I do think this way because I'm a "convert" and assuming that I have been "misldd" as so many "converts" is a racist opinion.If I was pakistani or Arab, would you tell me that I'm entitled to such or such opinion because I belong to such or such background?
I really didn't want to create any troubles or argue on this post, which has deeply moved me as I've been victim of the same type of assults, and just gave the advices which I would have loved to receive at that time.
I apologise to the sister who has been through this terrible thing, and hope she didn't misundertand me.
I have to agree with "W", maybe because we are of the same generation. What the guy did was totally wrong but women need to protect themselves by not putting themselves at unecessary risk (I don't mean militant segregation). For many Muslim men - a woman saying no, and appear to be acting like she didnt like it may translate mentally to she does like it but still wants to be seen as a good girl. I have heard that a lot. It is stupid - but it is true.
I know with Muslim guys/or guys culturally from such places - I am a total bitch so there is no suggestion I am interested at all because so many of these guys are raised to think the slightest friendliness on the part of a woman means she wants it.
I am against all forms of sexual assualt but a firm believer as women we need to use our heads. I was raped as a teen - and it was in part because I put myself in a situation I could not get out of. I still live with the scars from it and it could have been avoided - not that all rape is. A friend of mine was kidnapped across the street from my house at gun point and was assaulted. There was nothing she could have done to avoid the perp, whereas with me - I could have done a number of things to protect myself.
Thank you Organica for allowing discussions like this.
Um Zakarya:
"Parents do have a high responsibilities and the guardian is in charge of his daughter's safety, wether you like it or not, and I believe that sending daughters away far from home for education, without mahram, is unislamic and leads to this kind of trauma for girls."
After reading this comment, it's become clear that there is no help for you other than what God can do. You are being far too rigid. I know what it's like to be a convert and think that Salafistic interpretations of Islam are the only way, but you are being ridiculous. This is not a "racist" opinion. Being a convert has nothing to do with race. There are non-Muslims in both Pakistan and the Arab world, to use the examples you gave. How do I know what you are racially? I'm talking about a state of mind that is all too common among converts, including myself when I first came to Islam. I pray that you will come to your senses sooner rather than later.
Salaam 846,
I couldnt agree with you more! Too many Salafist self-righteous internet preachers out there and unfortunately, increasing numbers are begin to think that is the "right" Islam. Like you, Im a new Muslim too and struggling to fight off these ideologies.
Besides the Islamic perspective on this topic, I think we should really pick out the lessons from her story. Number 1, when on your own (whatever the circumstance is) guys and girls should really leave behind this idea that we can have an innocent close friendship with each other. Let me be clear, you can have a friendship (work, school, etc.) with the opposite gender but it must have some understandable boundaries and limits. We are not little kids to think we can play together and have sleepovers and nothing is going to happen. Number 2, in today's world it is very hard to find honest people, thus we should not place 100% of our trust in other people but practice caution in particular circumstances. For example, as the writer of this post later learned that she should have not walked into an apt with a male friend who lived alone. The unfortunate event could have been avoided if she was careful and said "I am not comfortable going to your place."
Overall my response to the post, I feel that she gained an experience and we should at least take away a lesson.
One final note:I feel as Muslims we should help each other and not be judgmental Or hold an attitude of "I practice islam right and you don't" Judging people is not our job as human beings and we all make mistakes, but the best of us repent with sincerity.
The amount of victim blaming going on in the comment section is disheartening. More so, because nearly all of it is preferenced with sympathy for the victim, but then goes on to enforce, espouse, and encourage the exact social mentality which allowed the rapist to rationalize his actions: letting your guard down with a male is an invitation to assault/rape/ etc.
My sympathy goes out to the sisters on here who were themselves victims of sexual assault and who unfortunately have been made to believe that their actions in associating with males contributed to their harm. It did not. No one “deserves” to be raped, no one “asks” to be violated.
We all need to question the social constructs we’ve been raised with, and allow certain men in our community to rape with impunity.
We need to ask?
1. Why is it permissible to ask what a female victim is wearing?
2. Why do mainstream news articles, such as the Nytimes, comment on what a 12 year old victim of gang rape victim is wearing.
3. What does it say about our society, when we can say a girl was dressed “provocatively” or “looked older.” Are we saying that “of age” or “certain” women should expect to be raped?
4. Why is it taboo to assume a male victim “invited the harm”?
This whole story seems made up to me. No one talks like Yusuf or the victim did in real life. She could have gotten up and walked away any time. He was persuasive, not overpowering. Every commenter on here puts the blame on the men- you're swinging the pendulum too far. If the girl didn't want to sit on his bed, she should have left. If she didn't want to kiss him, she should have walked away. A rape victim fights back, goes down swinging and scratching with everything she's got. A rape victim survives with his skin cells and DNA under her nails, files a police report and takes a Plan B pill.
The victim's docility and defending of the assailant is uncharacteristically meek, considering she suffered a sex crime.
Maybe this is true, and it's sad. I think the only accurate aspect is that anyone can fit the profile of a rapist. I just wish less women would see themselves as free meat "in the lion's den."
This rape was one hundred percent avoidable. A hundred percent.
"Shutting down" is a learned response, not a natural one. After all, flight or fight is the natural physiological response to danger. Stand up for yourself. It's not about religion or race, but honoring and protecting yourself.
^Wow. Someone wasn't raised right.
@Pree: Thank you. I'm glad you too are sensible. Too many other converts are not, and it's really sad.
This story was extremely sad. Like sad in many ways. I felt so much sympathy for the victim. At first when I was reading the story I was thinking in my head, like is she stupid? Going to her friend's house. Come on now, but by the end of the story I felt like when your in a situation like that, you cant really do much. So basically this is what I take. Allah swt teaches us many lessons in life and that is one of the lessons that she has had to go through. I can't even begin to imagine how painful the actual situation was and how much trauma your friend went through. However, your friend should always remember that Allah swt is Ar-Rahman, the Most Merciful and through sincere repentance she will be forgiven. InshaAllah I hope and make dua that this doesn't happen to anyone. I hope your friend stays strong and continues striving in life! <3
There are many issues here that can be picked on and picked apart, but at the end of the day, she was not willing and she said NO!!! I lived all my life from birth to my late twenties in the middle east, and believe me, while there are the good, the bad the ugly everywhere, its the same with muslims too; there are those who pretend to be so good, pray till they have a friction burn on their forehead, but its all for show. People are people. An ideology/ religion doesn't define a person, it only gives boundaries and guidelines to make one reach a higher state of thinking if they do it willingly and not blindly. Everybody will sees ideas and religions in a different way. One has to be cognizant of one's surrounding's to get to that higher state.
Then the question comes of segregation. There are many people who believe men and women cannot achieve a platonic friendship. Many muslims will fight on this. You know what, when we go for Umrah or Hajj...the most sacred rituals for a muslim to aspire to and achieve, DO YOU SEE SEGREGATION??? It is even said, that your face must be uncovered. Do you see what we wear? what the men wear? two pieces of unstitched white cloth. Think biology, with the women and men in a sacred holy place. There is no segregation there. It amazes me to see how narrow minded and tunnel vision muslims have become. Our prophet would be ashamed. He was already worried before he died about the Ummah. Its good he is not here to see the degradation.
Finger pointing at a girl who had the misfortune to trust someone like that. Shame on those who are pointing the finger. Like they have never made a mistake. Women have to answer and be punished for their sins, but you know what, MEN are held accountable and responsible for their sins, AND for those they are supposed to protect. And yeah, what one does, comes back to them. Maybe not to them directly, but to the people they hold dear..like a sister...daughter...{Then anyone who has done an atom's weight of good, shall see it! And anyone who has done an atom's weight of evil, shall see it} (Sura Zilzala)
Allah is great, He is the most Merciful, but HE is also the Avenger. So for those of us who were betrayed, abused and shattered, He will take care of us.
Ameen
^I don't mean to drop in after every comment, but thank you for mentioning the lack of segregation during Hajj and Umrah. I was going to say something about that, but I felt it would feel inauthentic because I've never actually gone.
I also like everything else you said, because I too am not a fan of blaming the victim. Coercion is actually a common method of setting up a rape. It's not always done through force. Some people just do not have the sense to realize this until (God forbid) it happens to them or someone close to them.
This guy was a total douche and I think he took advantage of your friend but then again I feel like there were so many signs that she should have gotten the hint, oh he might like me... I feel like the victim is really naive and childish and that she should have done something to fight back. The guy on the other hand seems to have gotten away. I wonder if he has any remorse whatsoever.
@ ~W~
I can't begin to address how ridiculous your comment is. This young woman didn't give any kind of consent. Going to his apartment was NOT consent, agreeing to sit on his bed was NOT consent. You are blaming the victim.
@ Anonymous 11:02pm
Your comment is also incredibly ridiculous. Let me tell you something, I volunteer with rape victims and not all of them fight back. They all react differently to what's happening to them. Just because she didn't fight back that doesn't mean she wasn't raped. She was raped because she was in the presence of a rapist, plain and simple. Rape isn't always %100 avoidable, you know why? Because we live in a world with rapists!!
I'm so sock of this BS about how "Well shouldn't have done XYZ she wouldn't have been raped!" Where's the blame on the asshole who raped her?! How about telling rapists not to rape?!!!
Asalamwalakum all,
Fatima here. I did not share this story to be told whether it was my fault or not. That was never up for discussion actually. I know for a fact that it wasn't. I did not ask to be fucked by "Yusuf". I did not give him any permission to "do" me. Our friendship was COMPLETELY platonic. Believe it or not, he was more of an older brother figure than anything else. I didn't have many friends that year and he played that role very well. He was protective and kind.
The reason that I shut down, something my counselor told me later, was because I trusted him. The rape was not only a betrayal from another person, but also from somebody that I trusted -- a friend. He confused me afterwards, played mind games with me, made me believe that I had wanted it when I had never agreed. Sex is sacred, a special connection between two people, I never wanted that kind of relationship with "Yusuf". But the reason I didn't fight was because I could not understand what was happening. If it had been a stranger off the street I would have kicked and screamed and collected DNA under my fingernails but with "Yusuf" I did not. I never even reported him because I didn't understand what had happened.
And yes, maybe you're right, it definitely could have been avoided. But we are living in a country where women's rights are to be respected. Did I expect too much when I hoped he would stop? No. Regardless of religion, race, cultures or Saudi customs, he should have stopped when I said no. But he didn't. I shut down because I couldn't believe it. I couldn't understand what was happening. My friend, this man whom I trusted so much was hurting me, he was forcing himself into a private place. He was crossing all boundaries to please only his own carnal desires.
I remember crying. I remember it in bits. I honestly am not surprised that a few of you think I "made it up". You can honestly go fuck yourselves. No woman would lie about something like this. No woman would make anything like this up to get attention. I shared my story to help other woman come forward. Date rape is the hardest to talk about because we always will feel like it was partially our fault. Why did I even hang out with him? Why did I trust him?
Hmm, maybe because I'm human and he was my FRIEND. Maybe because trusting people is part of loving them. I never thought that someone like him could do something like that to me. He helped orphans in Rwanda for Christ's sake! He was also Muslim and I clung to him to be close to my faith. A big fail because he gave up Islam, he tried to make me give it up as well.
All I can say now is that I don't really give a fuck if you believe me or not. But to other silent victims, please tell someone. Get therapy. Do something to rid yourself of the heavy burden. I would tell people all the time, it always felt like I was breaking off a chunk of the pain and giving it to them. It's been a long time now and I can honestly tell you this situation made me so much stronger. I am an advocate for women's rights. I volunteer at a rape crisis center. I do everything I can to help get the word out that when a woman says no, she means NO.
And lastly, to those who defended me, Thank you. Thank you Cindy for being brave to post something as controversial as date rape. You are such an inspiration and I am so grateful to have you in my life.
Publish the guys name. Let's go after him.
the whole thing is wrong;
*Friendship should have boundaries when dealing with the opposite gender. As some comment above said we aren't kids to think we can play together and have sleepovers and nothing is going to happen!
*The guy IS wrong, it is forbidden in Islam to have sexual intercourse b4 marriage.. your not even allowed to be alone with a girl who's not your wife in a closed place! everything that comes afterwards is just wrong
*joining him in bed, kissing him back, "b4 i know what was happening both our pants were off", not fighting back... you could have avoided the whole situation
*as someone above said "Shutting down is a learned response, not a natural one. After all, flight or fight is the natural physiological response to danger"
*What have you done to prevent him from doing this to another girl? you should have taken a legal action against him.
To Anonymous at 12:49am.
Why don't you reveal yourself? Why are you hiding behind your anonymous computer screen? How dare you continue to badger the victim? Do you have no shame? You are blaming her for not leaving and then you are going to blame here again for not reporting him?
Do you have any sense? In the wise words of Fatima, "Fuck you"
After reading this blog & all the comments as well, here's my take: the rapist is at fault. A "no" is a NO- whether it's whispered or screamed. Another note is that not all victims react in the same manner- not everyone will fall under the "fight or flight" mentality. Some do shut down - doesn't make it wrong, it's just their bodies natural inclination to do so.
Some lessons to learn & keep in mind: women shouldn't be alone with non-mahram men like this. Unless she is trained in self-defense the chances a man can overpower her are high.
Also, we really can't trust anyone but Allah swt & unfortunately, it's all too easy to "feel" that we can. It's just heartbreaking that situations like this are what reminds us of this. We must always guard & protect ourselves.
I'm sorry to take away from the topic at hand like this, but . . . why are there so many Muslims who really believe that "women shouldn't be alone with non-mahram men like this"? You do realize that people get raped by relatives, right? It's failed logic.
Furthermore, I have many female friends that are attractive, and I have been alone with them many times, but not once have I thought that I should violate them. I could never imagine hurting someone I cared about like that. Even if I wasn't Muslim and had no sexual restrictions, I would NEVER dream of doing that.
Just more words from Your Friendly Neighborhood Muslim Guy.
Why can't people accept the fact that it was the guy's fault? She was his friend, she wasn't on a date, she didn't ask for it or even hint at any such thing. Just accept that it happens, and it can happen anywhere by anyone in any situation, whether you trust them or you don't, because people can be ugly and twisted behind their perfect facade.
Dear Fatima (the victim),
my heart goes out to you... I know and can understand what one goes through when subjected to such turmoils by someone we trust... I'm myself a victim, not really of rape but of sexual abuse, by the one I loved... though I can't even go near to experience what you went through, I can somehow in my own way understand and I salute your bravery...
God Bless
A male victim
P. S. those who are saying that this could've been avoided or that she's making this up, two words, FUCK YOU!
first of all people need to stop being judgmental self righteous assholes and put the blame on the girl ,it's not her fault trusting the guy and him abusing that trust leading to a rape,her silence obviously is just her surrendering to the inevitable while he kept pushing towards what he wanted,she is lucky she didn't end up beaten up and violence was involved ,such awful incidents happen among us and from even people that are close to us family members ,relatives and friends ,if you trust someone no way you get to know their true intentions even if they have ulterior motives simply because when someone is trustworthy there is no reason to doubt them ,sadly it's an example to spread awareness between us trust is something that makes people vulnerable it has to be earned and not given to anyone easily ,my advice for your friend to try and turn her unfortunate into something positive spread awareness about date rape help other rape victims because life doesn't end at this point .
*forgive some possible language that finds its way in here*
Ok first off I am pissed off and sickened by some of the comments left here.
First off friendship between man and woman is forbidden? REALLY?? Where I dont ever remember seeing that, and by the way if it wasnt for the friendship I received from many sisters I probably wouldnt be writing this as a revert.
Secondly, this beautiful sister full up admitted what she did wrong. Was it the best decision to be alone with him? No, but she had no reason to think, or even have this cross her mind. Did you all forget she said "ive been there before and it had been completely innocent." She said "I stepped into a lions den" (this is a hindsight statement) ENOUGH LEAVE IT AT THAT!!! She said they talked for a long time, so obviously he was still working his plan, he didnt go right after her. How many sisters walk out of their houses at any time and think to themselves "oh im gonna get raped". Freaking morons I swear, she showed an element of trust with this poor fucking excuse for a so called "brother". And dont feed me this crap about "its a mindset of a culture she shouldve known better." There was obvious trust built BY HIM, and used as a weapon. Wouldnt surprise me if hes done it before or since. its not a mindset its a fucking tactic that is used by someone searching for prey.
Third, we should believe we cant have close platonic friendships? Are you serious? 90% of my closest friends are female and I have NEVER ONCE tried to sleep with any of them or even thought about it. Again it comes down to integrity, character, moral standards, and this "brother" mislead her and lead her to believe thats what he had.
Fourth, to the mindless person who wrote this sounds made up and all rape victims fight back. Really? Where do you get your facts? I worked for 8 years in a sexual assault center and I can tell you first hand every victim(man and woman) handles this differently. Not all of them fight back, because this stupid ass society teaches women that its better to not fight back and possibly live. So if she fought back this wouldnt have happened? You have a crystal ball or something? Hmm lets see my experience shows women who have been beaten, cut, and killed, cause they fought back. So dont stand on some soapbox claiming something as fact that isnt.
Unfuckingreal, this sister was RAPED!! it became rape the SECOND the word "no" left her lips, PERIOD!! No matter what she wore, no matter that she went to his room, no matter if she even started kissing him.....SHE SAID NO!
I am "dating" a beautiful Muslim sister. Have we been alone together? No, but it possibly could happen. Does that mean Im gonna rape her cause we are alone? HELL NO!! Why? Cause Im a man, I was raised right, I have character and morals. Somethings this "brother" obviously doesnt have.
So to the sister who told this story, I offer you this (for as little as it is) Dont let any tears fall because of some stupid comments. I know youre not at fault, you know youre not at fault, and ALLAH(SWT)knows youre not at fault.
As for the "brother" who did this.....I have a baseball bat with your name all over it.
1. Pants do not come off by magic.
2. "I tried to talk him out of it..." If my daughter ever gave me that excuse and didn't have a set of de-attached balls to go along with it, I would be livid.
Date rape is a specific type of rape. The boundaries get blurred. The victim is a victim of rape and manipulation.
I'm not even going to bother arguing with the cretins who think this girl has any, even the slightest responsibility for what happened to her. The rotten stench of such ways of "thinking" keeps me away from "people" like that. I just can't stand it. All I can say is I hope life teaches you a few lessons sooner rather than later.
Let me tell you all a story. It's a real one. This happened before I converted to Islam.
I was really close to this girl, she was a good friend of mine about ten, eleven years ago. She was lovely and we got along just great! Similar interests, she was very intelligent, always polite and gentle. We'd been friends for over a year, shared everything in our lives with each other, talked about everything, hang out, and so on and so forth. Then she decided to move to Japan for a year. We were both very sad about it but it had to be done.
When she came back she was a bit distant, though she would call me every now and then to see how I'm doing. One day she called me late in the evening while I was still at work. She asked me if I could meet her because she wanted to tell me something important. Now remember, she's my good friend so for her to ask me something like that it meant I just had to find a way and be with her, listen to what she had to say, no matter how late it was or if I had more work to finish. I was concerned so I agreed and we met an hour later outside Bond Street station (London). She asked me if she could come with me, I didn't know what she meant .. she explained she wanted to come back to my place... I said yes of course thinking nothing of it.
So here we are at my place, my housemate making funny comments about my "new" friend (he'd never seen her before) and how stunning she looked (she was a model). He left us alone, I made tea which she greatly appreciated, then asked her what was going on in her life, what was so urgent? She said she wanted to hug me ... she was very upset about "something". I said of course...
Now here's a key detail about her: she had been raped in the past (many years before) and I already knew that. I thought it might have something to do with it, or something similar (God forbid) so I didn't press her too much to talk. So we hugged and she said she already felt a lot better and wanted to sleep now, with me. In my bed. She emphasised JUST SLEEP!
More key info: I've done that with friends before (girl friends) and there was nothing sexual about it WHAT SO EVER. I had no sexual feelings for her at the time so to me it was a no brained, I said sure.
So now we're in bed ... trying to sleep. She's only wearing one of my tshirts (she didn't have her pjs with her obviously) and the usual underwear obviously.
I'm about to fall asleep when she turns around and starts touching me ... again at first it felt perfectly within the boundaries of our friendship UNTIL ... I felt her going to areas she shouldn't be.
Let me tell you ... just before something was about to happen I stopped! I told her she asked me that she only wanted to sleep (nothing more) and that she even emphasised it to me, so I Wasn't willing to continue. She smiled and turned to her other side and fell asleep!
And so did I!
The next day I took her back downtown and went back to work, she thanked me and all was fine!
THE END.
P.S. Get it Mr Rapist? No? Didn't think you would ... you're just like that.
@846,
I'm just replying quickly before leaving this post for good.You're judging me as a person when you don't know me at all and your way of talking is really rude and disrespectful.You talk about "Salafism", please study about it, learn what all those bigs words that you use mean.I'm not from the salafi sect in any way.
I think many of the words used by people in the comments are really inapropriate, how come muslims use the "f" word so easily?How come muslims think it's ok to mix freely with the opposite gender?I'm stunned, really.
May ALLAH SWT guide us all,Ameen.
Being alone with a girl is problematic. The prohibition comes from Hadith. I have been in situations twice with two different girls where the girls were coming on me similar to the story above. I got out of it but it was really hard. Things go farther then you expect. Then your mind starts spinning. Both times it could have gone all the way very easily. And I knew the prohibition of being alone with a girl is forbidden. Sometimes, emotions and circumstances overpower you.
@Um Zakarya:
I love how you claim that I'm judging you unfairly, then you turn around and claim that Muslims who "mix freely with the opposite gender" and swear are not good Muslims. Hmmm. . . . sounds like a hypocrite to me. Sorry if I offended you, but you have offended me with your utter narrow-mindedness.
Islam was never meant to be boxed in the way you and many other converts have made it seem. I implore you to remember, as someone above mentioned, that Hajj and Umrah are not segregated. Where was this segregation during the Prophet's time? I will just leave it at that.
@Anonymous Good Guy:
I'm with you, man. You are absolutely right on the money with that. I have COUNTLESS female friends, some that I even call my sisters (not in an Islamic context, though they are Muslim) whom I would never even dream of violating. It makes me sad that so many men think that all of us, themselves included, lack the self-control to prevent themselves from doing such a horrid act. It reflects poorly on all of us.
@nhusain:
Where are you reading that it's prohibited to be alone with someone of the opposite sex? I always took that hadith to mean to think about it and use precaution rather than claiming that it's forbidden. In other words, the warning that Satan is in the room just means use self-control rather than to avoid being alone with someone of the opposite sex all together. If you really believe that any pair that's found in the same room together will lack self-control, then you don't give us as Muslims enough credit for being able to control our libidos.
Thank you for posting this. The debate is what matters. I believe the victim is not entirely innocent because she agreed to go to his flat (uh, even if I weren't Muslim, I wouldn't go into a guy's flat alone), and she agreed to join him on the bed (Are you nuts?!)... As platonic as their relationship may have been, they're not children.
As for him, he's completely guilty because he had it all planned. Sick idiot.
@846
Your interpertation may be one way to interpret it but traditional scholars interpret it as indicating it as forbidden. I am not saying you are necessarily wrong.
Hey Chris, so glad to have met you! I only read your posts AFTER I'd posted mine ... I feel your frustration brother. I can't deal with people like that who want to blame it on jinns, saytan, lack of segregation, the girl herself even ... anything and anyone EXCEPT their own pathetic lack of respect for human beings and lack of self control!!
@nhusain: I seriously doubt that ALL of them have reached this consensus, lol. And even if they did, the results are tainted because of the ludicrous concept of "ijma" that so many so-called "scholars" promote. Anyway, if you have the self-control, it's almost insulting to oneself to go so far as to forbid all intimate (doesn't necessarily mean sexual) contact with women. Just my thoughts.
846, you also forgot to add how some scholars are convinced that women drivers are responsible for men becoming gay! It all makes perfect sense (if you're INSANE!)
I haven't really researched the topic to know if there is ijma. You may be right in that there is no ijmaa. Also the concept of ijmaa is also not completely clear to me.
@846,
I've never said "they are not good muslims".Thanks for calling me a hypocrite, now I'm getting hassanat thanks to you.I'm probably much older than you, so I forgive you as you should know that calling someone a hypocrite is a huge matter in Islam.
About none segregation during hajj, no woman can attend the Hajj without a mahram on her side.
You should stop dividing muslims as that's exactly what you do when saying "converts" do this or that, all the Sahabahs (RA) were indeeed "converts", or rather revert.
Wishing you the best, we all have alot to learn, but no matter what we should always keep respectful manners and not call another muslim a "hypocrite" or any other name.
Wishing you the best InshALLAH.I'm leaving the post and the whole blog as a matter of fact, as I think I'm just trying in vain.
Coming back to the topic. I think the sister should report the incident. It will be a tough decision to make but it may prevent another tragedy from happening.
@Nadia : there are a lot of people out there who still have a simple mind, who don't think about sexual consequences in every situation for they don't expect them. People tend to trust the ones they consider close friends. I have had friends come over to my place, sit in my bed, watch a movie and go back, with nothing happening, nothing being initiated.
I don't blame the author for what happened. She was merely trusting a friend, like a lot of us do.
I blame the guy and I blame every person in the world who cracks jokes about rape. It breaks my heart to see girls joking about rape. I have had seen girls say "if rape's evident, just lay back and enjoy it", which is a completely wrong attitude... rape is serious, people are never the same after it happens. And trust me, the victims aren't to be blamed.
@Um Zakarya:
I should've known you'd take it like that. There's a big difference between a Hypocrite (Munafiq) in a religious sense, and an everyday hypocrite. You are the latter, therefore I don't feel I've said anything wrong.
I'm not sure how you can judge my age or assume that you know more about Islam than I do just from these posts, but I see it as more typical "I'm better than you" rhetoric. You can use all the flowery language you want, but you still strike me as a terrible person. Good day to you, Madam.
@nhusain: I don't believe in the concept of ijma. I think it's a cop-out. Just telling you so we're clear on my position. I really don't think that "scholars" are the only people we should listen to. After all, when the early Muslims were practicing their faith, such concepts weren't even around. Just thought I'd mention that.
Yes she was raped. She was also stupid for taking off her pants and making out with a sexually repressed and immature individual.
The guy is a rapist now and she's a rape victim, and nobody is happy.
This could have been avoided completely by BOTH PARTIES.
Thank you everyone for commenting and keeping it respectful (for the most part).
The purpose of featuring this story was to:
1) Create awareness surrounding rape and date rape
2) Create a safe place for victims or at-risk victims to discuss and share their stories
3) Provide anecdotal accounts of sexual violence against Muslim women
4) Break down taboos and discuss the topic openly to target deficits
5) Inspire others to focus on rape and rape victims within Muslim thought and culture.
6) Identify triggers/signs that might help potential situations vulnerable to sexual abuse
7) Identify ways to treat trauma from sexual abuse and appropriate available treatments.
**
That being said, the author of this post is a friend. Which means my friend trusted me with this story to publish on this blog to target the objectives above. This person has gone through extensive therapy to overcome this traumatic event.
I find it unfair that the victim here decides to share their story, and some of the commenters decide to blame her for even being in that situation and "shouldn't she know better."
The context doesn't matter. Rape isn't as preventable as we like to think. Sexual violence against women (including Muslim women) is prevalent and almost never preventable. For example marital rape or even child sexual abuse happens from trusted people more often than not.
I am fairly disappointed by the 'blame the victim' comment. RAPE IS RAPE.
Rape may come in all forms (including emotional blackmail or manipulation).
No, a person shouldn't know better. What happened is very typical of a college campus (EVEN AMONG MUSLIMS). I have witnessed these type of interactions first hand.
Even if the author was dating the person and they decided to "fool" around, he had no right to rape her. Just because you are in a sexual situation with someone, doesn't give them the right to overstep boundaries you aren't ready or willing to go over. It happens when someone consents but then changes their mind (and expresses so). Do you really think they deserve someone to rape them?
I am saddened by the "I don't blame the victim" but.
A human who was sexually violated read EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR COMMENTS and probably felt like crap because of what you said. What else do you want?
I suggest that some people on her get off their high horse and be humble. You or others can be a victim next. So be empathetic. UNDERSTANDING. Allow God to be the judge.
I suggest people be human FIRST before Muslim or whatever faith they choose to identify.
I am YET to hear comments about the BASTARD who violated this woman. WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE?
This is such a sad story, to say the very least. I find some of the comments here to be utterly atrocious. I am so disgusted by the shameless victim blaming that is going on here. Victim blaming is RAPE CULTURE! No one deserves to be raped and it is NEVER the victim's fault. NEVER. The problem with society is that we live in a "don't get raped" culture instead of a culture that tells men, "DON'T RAPE."
The victim went to his apartment and joined him on the bed - so what? That is not an invitation for rape. The man is the one who violated the boundaries. He should be the one blamed! All of these arguments saying that she shouldn't have been alone with him fits perfectly in the "don't get raped" culture we live in. "Don't get raped" culture tells women that they should somehow know all of the warning signs of rape and if they don't, then rape is their fault. Instead of placing the responsibility on men and teaching men to challenge patriarchy, misogyny, and sexual violence, the responsibility is on women?
Thinking this way only perpetuates sexist oppression. It is DANGEROUS and it needs to stop. This is NOT Islam. Islam teaches compassion, understanding, and justice. Islam teaches us that when there is injustice, you speak out against it. You don't start blaming the oppressed for their own oppression. "Don't get raped" culture is a product of patriarchy and all of us, no matter how progressive we think our politics are, need to deconstruct and unlearn that.
It's disturbing how the man who committed date rape here was also someone who helped orphans and wanted to make a difference in the world. The way he responded in asking, "Do you really think I raped you? How could you ever think I would do that to you?" goes to show how rapists and abusers do not see themselves as such. Speaking as a Muslim man myself, I think men often make the mistake (myself included) in rushing to innocence and seeing ourselves as "outside of patriarchy." We live in a patriarchal world, we are socialized to be sexist, we are not outside of it. I believe it's important that we take the responsibility in seeing how patriarchy benefits us, affects us, and how we internalize sexist thinking. If we care about fighting sexist oppression, we have to unlearn the sexism we've been socialized with. No matter how radical we (men) think our politics are and no matter how much we see ourselves as good men, patriarchy and sexist socialization needs to be confronted and challenged within ourselves ALL THE TIME. That is the responsibility men have in a "DON'T RAPE" culture.
I can't imagine the pain and trauma the victim has been enduring. I pray that Allah gives you all the strength and support you need to heal. May Allah bring you justice. Ameen.
Legally, can she accuse him of raping her even after she willingly kissed him and let him touch her? I'm curious about how these things work in the US.
Neda
I'm disgusted by all of the men commenting here who are blinded by their own privilege and have no idea what it is like to be a woman, let alone one who is betrayed by someone she trusts. We are not weak, we are not inviting rape, and we won't stand for your sexist, manipulative, dogmatic bullshit. http://www.amptoons.com/blog/the-male-privilege-checklist/
Yusuf is hopefully feeling very guilty about this and I hope he comes to understand somehow that no means no and that women are to be respected and treated as equals.
To Anonymous: Thank you so much for sharing your story. You're a beautiful soul and I know that many other victims are immeasurably grateful. In a way, your courage has allowed them to tell their unspoken stories as well. May Allah reward you immensely for this.
There is absolutely no excuse for rape and I'm disheartened by the amount of victim-blaming present in the previous posts. There is nothing that anyone can do or say that could possibly justify or invite rape. Period.
@neda
Again I'm not a legal expert or anything but legally she may have recourse. If she has a clean history her word may be taken over his since she is the victim and the weaker party in the situation. The advantage of reporting it, even if the chances of conviction are low is that the coward will have to face questioning by police. That may be a deterrent in itself and may be therapeutic for the victim. Another option would be to report him to the university which has it's own disciplinary system and may decide to kick the person out especially if multiple complaints come up. Having said that whistle blowing comes with it's own stresses and pressures and is in no way easy. God knows best.
The debate goes on. To the one who said a woman needs a mahrem for Hajj and Umrah. Yes you are right BUT then it means that widows, orphans, and other singular women who have nomen in their world as "mahram" are excluded from Hajj and Umrah?
For those who have been to Hajj and Umrah will know that in the mad rush of humanity , you can easily lose sight of ur "mahram" there is just too many people. Does it make our worship and less?
In that case, women can't be allowed to study or work or do anything outside the house.
Dont make our religion so harsh when its not.
The girl was unfortunate, she made friends with someone who obviously has no character what so ever. She learnt her lesson and rest assured, she wont make the mistake of trusting a "brother". Its a shame on us, that we lost the basic trust of our sister in our faith.
Islam Says " Its not permissible for a woman to be alone with a non muharam" the Prophet reportedly said, "Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them."
I am not Muslim, I have no religion. I am a humanist.
Rape happens in every religion, every culture, every race, in every place worldwide, and in the very homes you never expect it to. It happens to women, to wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, to girls, boys, and chirldren. Very often by those who are supposed to protect us. (family, friends, police, teachers, doctors, religious leaders ect)
Stranger rape is rare, most rapes occur by people you know and trust. It a misconconception that every rape occurs when your prancing down the street and some massive unknown man jumps at you from the bushes and rapes you. Yea this can happen other than prevention, their is not much you can do, yes you fight back but say a women is between 110 and 130 most men are 150lbs plus. And women typically are not all that strong. So fight back scream kick and do what you can but that really only works to hope he let's you go or someone hears. Once he has you alone really what can you do? Oh and most women chosen for this type of rape are not the ones dressed like hussys sauntering around in 5 inch heels. They are the conservative, sweet, innocent looking nieve ones. Who don't seem so confidant because this type of rape is all about power.
Everyone is aware of this type of rape. But the most frequent type is date rape, which just means someone you know, trust, and have no reason to feel like you should protect yourself from.
Blaming the victim will never be the answer to this. The simple fact is those of you judging her saying "o she shouldn't even have male friends let alone be with one" Shame on you! You are excusing HIS actions because she should have known a man similar to her brother was going to rape her? That is ridiculous, its the same as assuming rape is the logical conclusion of cross gender friendship and giving men the permission to behave this way. Shame on you! I've been alone with many male friends and not once did any of them even think of pouncing on me and I am in my late 20s.
The only one at fault is that man. And of course those who blame the victim pupetuating the epidemic.Rape is rape, dosent matter who gets raped or how that never excuses the behavior.
The solution comes down to education and teaching women to excersice thier voice. Teaching them they can speak up, they can object, giving them the confadiance to act. Parents have to teach thier daughters how to protect themselves, that the daughters have rights, and that the parents will fight with the daughters because she is not at fault.
Parents must talk about rape, must give thier chirldren tools to prevent it and protect themselves the best they can.
Men must teach thier sons to respect women and to never take what is not offered. And if they do see it to prevent it the best they can.
Pretending it doesn't happen will never fix the solution.
Sorry for the typos I am on my phone.
From an anonymous sister
A similar thing happened to me three years ago with a man I was supposed to marry. The worst part, and I'm still ashamed of this, is that I was in love with him and made excuses for him to myself afterwards, until he broke up with me. Everyone thinks he's a charming guy, and he's even a descendent of the Prophet.
Kudos, Fatima, for sharing your story. I am still afraid to. And PLEASE ignore the negative comments here. I'm glad you've been able to find support and hope you continue to recover.
Also thanks to some of the guys above here who shared their experiences, demonstrating that there are some men out there who are not animals.
I think the man was an opportunist. Lots of men get what they want with they way they talk and assuming an air of confidence -- taking control of a situation in which a certain outcome is desired.
I am sorry for your friend.
Rape is never justified. I remember one person once saying, even if a woman is walking naked down the street in a dark alley in the middle of the night in a bad area of town, it is STILL NOT JUSTIFIED.
Any one who says these "women are meat" or "asking for it" is an enabler.
Yes, one must always use common sense, but rape is never, never, NEVER justified.
I too have been lured in a similar situation, by a very good friend and a trusted friend. very religious and a nice guy. but I knew better when and where to stop. Sure the man was beast and had it all planned , as most of them are. But I do agree with raph raph and some commentS above that (IN THIS CASE ONLY) both the parties could have avoided it. Rape is very serious and till we change the 'don't get raped' culture into a 'don't rape' one, women do need to be careful. In this case one thing led to another. she'd have raised her voice and even her hands if need be, hurt him very badly (where it hurts the most). And she can warn other friends of hers to be wary of him, as he may set such a trap again for some other girl. It is hard to say he won't do it again. All the nice and 'change the world' attitude might just be a show to impress girls. All he is a hypocrite. If he was really nice , he's never let a female alone in his apartment and invite her to sit next to him.
many men are shameless enough to rape and molest their family members, and it has always been like that, some men are worst than beasts. It may take ages to change and men to evolve , till then we have to be super super careful.
I pray such traumatic incidents never happen to anyone.
refering to one of the anonymous comment above "This rape was one hundred percent avoidable. A hundred percent." may be fifty percent avoidable but he could have been more forceful. if it was, it'd not have been rape.
As some others have stated above. RAPE IS NEVER OKAY. And a rape victime does NOT ASK for it. Where is the compassion and common sense? No means no means no. Plain and simple.
Fatima - thank you for sharing your story. May Allah bless, reward and protect you always. You are an inspiration in your strength and your ability to turn this horrible situation around and become an activist. May Allah reward you in your efforts.
As for "Yusuf", I understand why you didn't go to the authorities, but I really wish you had so he could have been taken off the streets. I hope he thinks twice before EVER doing this to another woman again. May Allah's wrath rain upon him.
(part 1 of 3)
Dear Fatima. You are great and have done everything well in your choices and behaviour, and you have my total support.
Hi. I want to remind people that sex in itself isn't bad. And it is alright for women and men to be friends.
It is alright to feel emotions for eachother, and it is alright to have affection or close relationship attachment. It is also alright to feel attracted and if you both choose to have sex, and would like it. Then the same kind of situation, where you are alone together, kiss, and lead to sex, can be a good one and this is an experience that is human and all of us like as long as it is when we want it and with who we want it to be with.
Sometimes it can be unplanned, that you didn't feel love or think of having sex with your friend or the person before. But if you get in that state where you get feelings, and then physical arousal, then you might want sex at that time. In most cases if you are friends and feel you like eachother, that is not a problem. Unless you have some self imposed repression of psychological restrictions (which is likely in a culture that doesn't allow sex before marriage, and where other people make you feel shame about sex in a lot of circumstances, and where you are expected to be a virgin when you get married or you worry your husband won't like you, even though you have that right to live a life for you first and to express yourself freely, and not limit yourself for the husband you didn't even have yet. And I think this repression is likely for a lot of people islam.) and are not comfortable to have sex at that time, like if it is your first time and if you are putting a lot of value on how you first have sex or lose your virginity, and don't want to give in to your desires or sexual feelings of arousal that are natural, in case although you enjoy it, you might regret it or feel a little guilt, because it is just a choice you think it would have been better if I hadn't had sex with them. But all that is natural and it doesn't have to be that sex is bad. It's just a choice and decision like any other decision in life, and we can enjoy it and regret it the same. But it might not be serious or devestating regret.
All this so far is because I want to say in a different time or with a different person or who the girl had these feelings for already, or who the circumstance put them together and they got close and then began to feel sexually aroused and thought of sex then because of that, and then led to sex and enjoyed it. Can be a good experience and a good thing, and may even lead to more occasions, or a relationship, or else a good friendship still even with a great experience together as a memory.
And we all want someone to have that experience with in our life at sometime. And it is not only to have sex in marriage, for everyone.
So sex is not a bad thing. And having friends of the opposite sex is not a bad thing. Feeling attracted to them is not a bad thing. Or having sex with them is not a bad thing. Even if it is unplanned but you get in the mood and then both feel like it and enjoy it.
continued:
(part 2 of 3)
But relationships, love, sexual enjoyment, and sex, need two people choosing and enjoying to have sex together, and to both have positive benefits from having the interaction and experience together.
If only one of the two people is open and wanting this to be happening together, and the other feels bad from the start, and not comfortable, and doesn't feel open and wanting it to be happening, or is thinking and thinking I am not ready. Then it should not be happening. The other person should want a partner to be willing, and who is looking happy, not scared. And who is open to what is happening, not tense. And if they are not looking as you expect, aroused and happy and smiling or amazed or joining in to touch you too not just lying there. Then the partner should be asking them if they are alright BEFORE it begins, or before continuing. And to be considerate by checking their feelings and that they are wanting this.
So sex should be both together, mutually. And mutually making actions and taking part. And that you can see both people are aroused and "on heat and panting or something" I mean instead of hesitating and holding back and not hurrying into it. Because when both people want sex you kind of hurry and want the pleasure as soon as you can, and not to wait to start. So both people have to make this signal of wanting to hurry to start any pleasure and not wanting to hesitate or wait.
And if she has said no. Then it is clear that she said no and isn't ready yet. And if he is trying to persuade her. Or to get her in the mood and see if she changes her mind and feels like it. Then he should at least check what her feelings are, by asking about her saying no and ask how is she feeling and what does she want them to do, because of her saying no. And not go further until she has decided, if she means no or if she is just wanting time to decide if she wants it or not.
For Fatima's story. I understand it. And I feel support for you. I think nearly all people will support you, and especially in western countries from people's attitudes, and the law's attitude. You will have full support from nearly everyone.
But the story (before you said no, and sitting on the bed, or up until and including the kiss), was not bad, and in another situation the same kind of thing i mean the lead up, could have been nice and a good thing. And if it was a situation where two people wanted the same thing, willingly then it would be a great moment. But unfortunately in your case, you were not comfortable and not ready, and you didn't want that. With him or at that time. And you said no, and also showed you didn't want it in your behaviour. And he was thinking of it as a situation of normal attraction and sex as i just explained, and he thought it was one of those situations where a same experience could be happy for two people feeling the same way together. But he was wrong. You were not two people feeling the same way. And he didn't be considerate and to check and pay attention to your behaviour, or he noticed and dismissed it, because he was not wanting to not have his pleasure. And he did not listen to you saying no, and so he did not stop and give you the time to ask and for you to explain how you feel and if you did want to continue or not.
Basically you having sex is not bad. But his behaviour in not being considerate and not accepting your refusal, and not respecting your ownership of your body, as your right to give access or not. Then his behaviour made sex which is something nice and good, and which could be happy, into something which is forced and without your permission of access to your body, and him making himself above you and not equal, and making it a negative experience and negative memory after, and giving you those feelings which lasted after of unhappiness and wanting to change it.
continued:
(part 3 of 3)
Don't worry and sometimes not only in sex, but in life there are people who should consider us, and should let us be equal and that we both have the choice to give consent, and that it is our freedom, our sovereignty over our own body, and our own life, and our own choices. And someone else does not have the right to ever take those things, it is only our choice how we allow people access to us, or into our life.
I am glad you are a strong person now, and that it has helped you build yourself a great character. It is not thanks to him at all, it is thanks to you, and is in opposition to him. And that you now know how to stay strong in yourself and that no-one would be able to exploit you or hurt you again in that way. Well done Fatima and you are a great example. I am not religious, and for people who follow Mohamed as an example. I will say that you are a much greater example. Because of the change you have made everyone needs to build their character in their life, and we learn how to make ourself strong. A lot of us haven't done that yet and are still trying to do it. I am proud of you for all that you are achieving in your life now.
Have a great week. And it is good to share your story, it is good for people to read and feel that they are with you. And I am very certain that most people at least in the non muslim world are in support with you. And any muslims who have a free mind and care about other people as we should, will feel they are with you in support too.
Women and men can be great friends, and making rules to control behaviour or prevent friendships or social interactions is a bad thing. And making rules not only makes us miss out on beneficial interaction and friendships and relationships in life, which are some things that makes us better people, but it deprives us of friendships and learning and experience with the opposite sex as one of the genders of humans in our world, and islamic behaviour control rules also make personal self repression and psychological confusion and conflicts and makes it hard to deal with life issues, which we all have these kind of confusions and conflicts naturally anyway even as a non religious or atheist i promise you. :) But it is a lot harder if you have someone else restricting you what to do or how to live, or putting negative criticisms on you, more than if you were not in that culture or religion. And it is a lot easier, if you have freedom and you choose your life, and you can express yourself freely, and people don't threaten you or try to oppress you for your life things. And that you don't oppress yourself with your life things either because of what you learned of culture or how you worry about other people thinking of you. Don't care what other people think (except friends, and i mean people who won't think negatively of you anyway because that is what a good friend has to be. And to be good to them and considerate to them, i mean not hurting their feelings about themself, I don't mean worry about how you appear to them about your life).
I wonder if all this will post. :) Best wishes. Thanks and appreciation to you for the person you built yourself up stronger in being and are. And I hope everyone of us can do the same and will keep making ourself better. Good luck for everyone. And be the best that we can be. And good to everyone we can. :) And keep open, and with freedom, and equality.
(part 1 of 2)
Someone made a comment that all rapes are about power. With the example of a rape by a stranger outside in public, jumping out from the bushes.
In this case, about this blog post, it was obviously not about power. This was about sex, and the person had a wrong view about the situation and thought that they were having sex as two people who wanted the same thing. And it was nothing about him wanting power. It was only about pleasure. I just wanted to correct that.
And so in that situation, and situations of rape by someone close to you, or who you know as a friend, or family, or some other person known, then it is most likely that rape happened as part of a wish of that person to want to have a relationship or else just sexual intercourse with you, and that they probably have feelings for you and thought they are the same for the other person too. They didn't check the other person's behaviour enough and were not considerate, and did not adjust their behaviour to check how the other person feels, or did not listen to the word no. So in such a case, the person was in the wrong, and they did rape the girl. But it was by mistake rather than intention.
It is still their full responsibility though and they are wrong and it is not an excuse and not acceptable, but just you can understand how they would have done that. This is probably how marital rapes or rapes in long term relationships happen too isn't it? If it happens once, it should never happen again. And it should never happen once.
Another version of the case, is that the man did know the girl's behaviour, or the word no, meant she was not comfortable and not wanting this, and that he should ask about it, and not continue. But he ignored it, and raped her with knowledge, and intentionally.
I don't know for sure whether the case of Fatima is that the man is the one who made a mistake, or if he did it knowing she didn't want it. Either way he has full blame and responsibility, and she does not have any. She acted naturally as not being comfortable in her body language, and also said no. So she showed it in two ways that she is not comfortable or wanting sex.
And the third and last type, is a man who doesn't care if he knows if a woman is comfortable or wants sex or not. Because he just wants to rape her anyway. And wanted it to be without her being willing. And that third type is the type that the other commenter was talking about, about power. And I don't think that the man in the situation with Fatima, is that third type, about power. It was about sex as normal. Just that he was very wrong. And she was a victim of him being wrong. And so it was rape. And was without her permission. And I am glad that she has had time and counselling and has managed to put it behind her and is enjoying her life now for herself.
She could report it, but I think it's unlikely she will do that after moving on. But she could talk to that man to talk about it, and let him know how much it affected her and was a big thing, not just a small thing. That might make him change his thinking and behaviour in future (depending on what kind of person he is), so that in a similar situation and in sex from now on, he will always be considerate and check with the girl at every moment and lots of times, to make sure that she is alright and to be certain she is fully happy to have sex. That is what might have a more strong effect, since a person is most able to change themself. If he has her feelings told to him, then he might remember it from now on. And that might do more good than to report it, which might not lead to anything after this time. But she is free to report it if she wants to, and should if she feels like it is what she wants and will give some more satisfaction, which she deserves however she can get it.
continued:
(part 2 of 2)
Oh and rape is a crime, and he is a criminal. And he did wrong. But he is human, and not inhuman. And I am sure he can be a good person too after this. A person should be held accountable for the wrong they do. But don't think he is fully bad. He is just a human. But we have to accept the person. Even though not accept the action of that one day. Which affected her a lot, and so is very important. But he is not satan.
And people should not wish him dead or hurt or something.
But Fatima herself has every right to feel that way. Because it is natural to feel it, and he hurt her.
But justice is not violence. Justice is either paying for the crime with penalties from law. And i definitely do not mean islamic law (which is inhuman)! I mean secular law.
Or justice is deterrent, or prevention in future. If she talks to him and makes him aware of how she felt it might stay in his memory and make him think, and so will be a deterrent in future for his actions. Or maybe he learned himself, by thinking about it afterwards. Or maybe he grew and changed over time.
And if not those things, then I believe in karma, and a lot of us do. And at least if this issue is finished today. Then if he does anymore bad actions then justice might happen by karma (I mean bad luck) giving some negative back to him, so that he suffers a bit and learns how to consider others feelings and rights as equals.
Or justice is having reconcilliation, or accepting and coming to terms with it. And Fatima seems to be doing well in this one of coming to terms with it and moving on.
Well I am not sure when I wrote that. If reconcilliation and coming to terms, is justice. I don't know what to think about it at this moment. But those things are very important for the victim to do anyway, for their benefit, and to move on and enjoy their life.
Have a good week.
P.S. You measure a society by how humanely or inhumanely, it treats it's criminals. And it's victims. Islamic society is less good on both of these.
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