Muslim Divorced Women Speak: A Roundtable (Part 1)

As Western Muslims come to grips with their on-going struggle to establish an autonomous identity free from cultural carry-over from the East; battle Islamophobia; and create a unique brand of Islam specific to a Western life, they've managed to neglect a large portion of the community: divorced Muslim women. 

We often hear about the importance of marriage and family in Islam, but rarely the issues of separation, divorce and life post a divorce within the Western context is discussed. Some of the obstacles faced by Muslim women in case of divorce: 1) The rigorous process of acquiring an Islamic divorce in the absence of any laws supporting the religious marriage in the Western world; 2) The challenge of raising a family as a single parent and subsequent financial obligations (alimony, child support, etc), especially if a civil marriage never took place; 3) Dealing with the stigma attached to being a divorcee trickled through 'back home' mentalities; 4) The inevitable search for a new Muslim husband willing to accept the woman's divorced label and children from the previous relationship if present.

It's important to note that as new generations of Muslims emerge within the Western world, the dissonance of Eastern and Western interpretation of Islam will only strengthen. The Muslim scholarship will need to scramble to address these issues to meet the Western Muslim population. Divorce was prevalent among the Prophet's companions, and even the Prophet himself married a divorcee. One might wonder when and where divorced women became 'used' and 'unwanted' commodities sold at a cheaper price?

The goal of this project is to empower divorced Muslim women and provide them with a forum to address their REAL anecdotal accounts as Muslim women in the Western world. I've interviewed 8 women for this project via email and have consent to publish their responses anonymously*. There remains much to be researched, analyzed, and changed respectively.

*Note: names have been changed to protect the privacy of the interviewees.
The Roundtable:

How long were you married?

Rasha: 6 years
Nancy: 22 months
Heidi: 40 days
Anisa: 2 months
Nisma: 3 years
Sonia: 6 years
Angela: 7 months
Carol: 3 years

How long have you been divorced?

Rasha: 5.5 years
Nancy: 2 years
Heidi: 32 months
Anisa: 2 years
Nisma: 1 year
Sonia: 4 months
Angela: 3 months
Carol: 6 years

Were you legally married according to your country's law (other than Islamic)?

Responses varied.

Do you have children?

Responses varied.

Without giving away personal details/identities of any parties involved, why do you think your marriage ended?

Rasha: "My ex-husband was unable to handle the responsibilities related to marriage - i.e. immature."

Heidi: "Erectile dysfunction, physical and emotional abuse."

Nancy: "He was abusive and unfaithful, and I refused to tolerate it."

Anisa: "The husband and his family were unwilling to work together and come up with solutions. The parents had more of a say in the process. The husband took a back seat."

Nisma: "The marriage ended because my ex and his family had a distorted and cultural view of the role of a wife/daughter in law by essentially keeping me locked in the marital home for 7 months. I was still looking to reconcile because I was pregnant but my ex husband flew to his country and remarried 2 days after my child was born.

Sonia: "I was abused."

Angela: "I believe my marriage ended because I feel like there is a culture of Muslim men who do not understand that a marriage involves a relationship and not just a contract. My husband was a man among these men. It was like everything in our marriage was a "transaction".

Carol: "My ex-husband physically, mentally and emotionally abused me in the name of Islam."

Was your family supportive of your divorce? If so, provide a few examples.

Rasha: "Initially, my family tried everything to make sure we made all attempts to salvage the marriage (positively of course). Unfortunately, the other party was not open for any sort of discussion, counseling, etc. So given that situation, my family decided to stand with me and offer all of the support they could."

Heidi: "Yes, they were alhamdulelah. They helped me to file for khul'a [divorce initiated by female]."

Nancy: "At first, they pressed me to return to him, but now, they've accepted it."

Anisa: "They were supportive throughout the whole process. We didn’t want it to end in a divorce, but in the end we knew that it was inevitable."

Nisma: "My family were incredibly supportive of my divorce and without them I probably would have never found the strength to ask my ex husband for a divorce. They encouraged me to ask and also told me not to go back and that they would support me in looking after my son."

Sonia: "Yes, my family did not question my decision at all, and they helped me to get the divorce."

Angela: "Yes. My family definitely knew that he and I had problems so when I moved back into their home, they were welcoming. I feel like his parents supported a divorce because elements of the contract--- which I would call "traditional expectations" were not being followed. So I feel like my family supported the divorce because they knew how frustrated I was that there wasn't a real relationship being built."

Carol: " Yes. In fact, my family were relieved that I was escaping his abuse and ill behavior."

What was the reaction of the community to your divorce? Were they in favor, indifferent or strongly against the divorce? Provide examples if applicable.

Rasha: "Most of the community, including myself, was in utter shock. Many thought of us as the "ideal couple" so when the news started spreading, there were lots of questions. I don't think anyone encouraged the divorce per se. Family friends made sure that I tried everything possible to make sure the decision wasn't regretted later. Some people however, made some insensitive comments. "I sure hope you were the one that left him, not him leaving you" - that was quite hurtful, especially when my husband left me for no apparent reason."

Nancy: "They were mostly indifferent. But some blamed me for not putting up with the abuse and infidelity."

Anisa: "They were supportive and said Allah swt has reasons for everything."

Nisma: "My community have very stereotypical views towards divorced women, and although they didn't have any opinion towards my divorce, other than being incredibly nosey as to the details, they have very negative and prejudiced views of me.

Some members have been strongly against the divorce, even though my ex husband had remarried and was living with his second wife (who was pregnant at the time) and a lady even made the effort to come to my place of work and try to convince me to not ask for a divorce and go back to him."

Sonia: "I've not really discussed the divorce with many people. My close friends have been very supportive. I don't think society in general is very accepting of divorce, and I personally believe it is a truly awful thing to do/experience. But, sometimes there is literally no choice. Often people make assumptions about the cause of the divorce, but fail to understand the amount of suffering involved."

Angela: "I am not involved in the community so I couldn't really say. I would say that we went to two counselors and they both agreed we should get divorced."

Carol: "Most people were shocked to learn of the abuse since I was successful at hiding all signs. I found that people who were more involved with the community - and religious - encouraged reconciliation, while folks away from the community celebrated the fact I left him and was FREE of abuse."
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Te be continued in Part 2.