Sister:
This past Sunday I greeted my Egyptian acquaintance as I normally do, "Ezzyik? 3amla eh ya..? When she broke down into tears in front of her students and said, "Not good." She tells me her husband has called the sheikh to divorce her. He is angry and offended that she asked him to search for a job instead of lazily sleeping all day. He tells the sheikh on the phone, "how dare she tell me to get a job?"
Yes. Her husband these days has also become "extra" religious. Informing her that regular activities he normally approved of was haraam. She says, "it's like he has no job but to make my life harder."
**
Sadly, the loser husband model can be found across generations, nations and religions. But I think it's important to note that sometimes there are temporary situations where a wife should be patient and be by her husband's side (especially in this economy).
So, how how to deal with the loser husbands. Ideas?
Saturday, November 01, 2008
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37 reflections:
As a male, as a brother im saying, DITCH THEM!
yes, be patient, get them help...
I am sorry to all the sisters out there whom get married to these types of guy. I really despise them.
I personally have two sisters and If thier husbands where to be like this...oh man, I dont know what I would do!
-The Muslim Kid-
Some people will never change and it's never too late to quit them. You have one life and make the most out of it!
La Hawla wala kowata Illa Bi Allah!
In Islam it is a man's duty to provide for his wife. If she is not happy she should walk away I know this is such a sad thing to say, but seriously if he is not doing anything to help himself and she has tried and been patient then she should just walk away we Allah ye3awad 3aleha 5air.
Im curious to know what the Sheik said to what her husband told him on the phone? why isn't the sheik standing up to the man?
As the English sometimes say...
"Bring back hanging!".
In this case:
"Bring back whipping!".
Whip some sense into that man! May Allah guide him. I do hope the sheikh knocked some sense into his head; else he doesn't deserve the noble title.
Let us know if the sister needs help... maybe we can raise some money for her financial problems?
Why must people always think that Allah wants hardship for us? It's people like him that push people away from the deen by demanding that which Allah doesn't demand from us.. Black garments? Is he kidding? May Allah give him the correct understanding of the deen and may He replace him with a better husband for the sister.
Yayyyy! for your friend!
As long as there are women putting up with these types of men they'll be around.
My advice? Drop 'em like they're hot. That kind of b.s. is unacceptable, and I refuse to believe that he was a true believing brother when he treated his wife like that.
May Allah give her strength during this time.
As for him...honestly it sounds like he's being more than just lazy but abusive through his self centered neglect.
Reading stories like this makes me so angry! Especially when the male in the situation is APPARENTLY "practicing", yet nothing about his actions condone Islam.
The sister needs to leave her husband asap. He is not even fulfilling his first and most important duty as a husband in Islam, which is to support his wife and family.
Why do women put up with idiots like these? That is why the men keep doing it. If a guy treats you like crap, kick him to the curb! You shouldn't need "permission" to get a divorce.
Anisah
reading of such things make me ask one question: what do these men learn by going to the masjids and religious classes? Where's your basics, man?! Such stories really disturb me alot.
I don't know if talking things out calmly with such husbands will work, because their ears are deafened by pride and dominance. Only Allah can show them the right way.
May Allah give patience to wives in such situations, and guide the loser husbands to the right path.
Fa
My first thought: she should divorce him, if he is lazy or arrogant with regards to providing for his home, family.
My second thought: so why doesn't the sister in this type of situation leave? She is in a catch-22, she is is a bad position if she stays, and a bad (or worse) position if she leaves.
My third thought: Sometimes men who find themselves unemployed do not want low status or low-paying jobs because their pride/ego are wounded...(I don't think that it even matters if the situation is 'unfair' (e.g his wife exhausts herself working, maintaining the household and paying the bills while he plays video games). I believe the issue has more to do with male versus female psychology.)
If a husband becomes unemployed, the wife should try to reassure him, encourage him (in subtle ways) to find any type of work to pay the bills, and most importantly, emphasize how much she admires him for looking for employment and finding the means to look after 'his' home and 'his' family. If, however, a period of time, the husband remains uninterested in working, then she should separate from him.
Wouldn't most men prefer to find some sort of employment than to risk losing his caring and appreciative wife?
Some men feel that their wife will look down on them if they take a low-paying/low-status job -- that could explain in part why sister #2 husband is suddenly 'more religious' and 'instructing' his wife on various matters. He feels emasculated and is reacting like this. He also realizes he has lost her respect.
Nagging and telling hubbie to go get any job isn't really that effective.
My last thought: ladies, always a good idea to have education or work experience ...just in case you find youself in one of these situations...
"So, how how to deal with the loser husbands. Ideas?" Lose 'em.
Simple.
Get out.
Move on.
I find it appalling. Sister #1 is already a single mom! Sister #2 - if he's making her life harder - duh - RUN while she can.
Loser husbands can't be mended. Period.
get rid of the husband´s and move on
Asalam.
Maybe the 'loser' husbands need a hug :)
Each person has various roles in their lives, mandatory or elective (son (mandatory), brother (mandatory), husband (elective), neighbor (elective), Abd of Allah (mandatory), etc.). Each has accompanying roles and responsibilities that need to be fulfilled.
In no way can a person underperform (according to the Quran/Sunnah) in any of his roles and deem himself doing well as a Muslim. A person's worth and character is only as good as his weakest role.
Any Muslim performing at the obligatory requirements of his role is practicing justice, anyone that is above that guideline is practicing ihsan and anyone who is below is practicing zulm (oppression) and will be held accountable as such.
For the brothers who are underperforming in certain roles (whether it be a husband or a son) step up your game and stop committing zulm.
For the sisters who married these brothers, look for the reason why you married them in the first place (b/c he was hot, or cuz he was funnY) and if he still possesses those qualities, then you have no one to blame but yourself. Irrespective, if he's committing zulm in any of his roles, then you need to step in and follow the Prophet SAWS advice... help him if he's the oppressed or refrain him if he's the oppressor. In this case if he's oppressing you, kick him to the curb and move on.
[Please note oppression is not giving you your rights due to you by Islam. These include things such as providing a roof over your head, providing food for a day, providing ONE pair of clothes to cover your nakedness to the status you are accustomed. If you're feeling you're oppressed cuz he's not getting you the matching prada purse to match your prada shoes, that's not oppression.] Oppression is failing to give a thing its due right.
May Allah SWT guide us all and I apologize for any errors. :)
Peace
I second Suroor.
Loser husbands are just...losers. Mend them? Dump them instead
Assalamu `alaykum,
What I find highly troubling (and this happens both among brothers and sisters) is this "cognitive dissonance" that happens among the lives of many "religious" Muslims.
One one hand they pray 5 times per day, go to the masjid, have a big beard (or hijab), etc, etc. However, they are not merciful, kind, or loving. They commit injustices, they oppress other human being, they are intolerant.
I wonder what is happening. I don't know for sure but I think it might have to do with the fact that we are becoming a legalistic soulless community, where we worry more where to put our hands in prayer than to have presence of heart in prayer. Where we worry more about the tiny details of ritual purification (wudu) but worry little about purifying our hearts.
Thus we become a set of people that do rogue repetition of rituals, whose hearts don't know the sunnah of our prophet and thus end up "picking and choosing" to justify our bad behavior.
tell him to shove his pride where the sun dont shine and then DIVORCE HIM!!! its not worth living with.
Runnnn, run as fast as you. Hardships will be there, but atleast you know there's no loser/parasite sucking the life out of you. sf
Ameen to your dua.I know your sister #1 difficulty as a person who had witnessed such a scenario. Some asian women still go by the belief that a lousy husband is better than no husbands.In fact there are many such idioms in support of loser husbands.
Inshallah your friends will make a wise decision and may Allah(swt) bring them much happiness after hardship.
lat
Salam... just a humble opinion. Perhaps to prevent sisters from getting into such situations, in the first place the couple should settle the scores before they get married. In the presence of a mahram, be honest about each other's expectation of the other. The men should be honest if they can't earn much and the sisters should be firm in what they want in a husband. Of course, gimmicky love would definitely say that placing expectations is just putting pressure on both, but these are basic questions that must be answered. From the number of children they want, to when exactly they should have children, formulating a routine and sticking by it after marriage - these are the prior checks before marriage that must be ascertained.
And also, in the case of a conflict, both husband and wife must sit down and settle the issue instead of running of to a third party. In the shaikh example mentioned, the husband clearly prefers to get external help even though the situation does not call for it. I'm sure a hardworking wife does not call for external help, especially when she is sincere in wanting to bring in bread for the family.
Some madzhabs actually do not encourage women to go to work and instead places a LOT of emphasis on the men to do the housework, to bring in the finances and to not even make the women feel compelled to do any hard work, as long as she is kind, takes care of her husband's heart and property and is a responsible mother towards their children. What an outright contrast to these men here.
Tawakkaltu allallah to those sisters and let's pray for their happiness in this world and the Hereafter. May Allah reward them for their undying sacrifice in strengthening their households. :)
Nabila
Singapore
Nabila:
I think your comment sums up the problem nicely. We can always refer back to the foundation of the relationship to examine the reasons behind their current problems.
But the fact remains, talking is good but reality after marriage might be completely different. External circumstances can change the dynamics of any relationship, even if based on a strong foundation.
I think it's important we educate ourselves on how to deal with these circumstances when they occur. Namely be equipped for whatever might come our way!
Ameen.
p.s: welcome!
So true, we have been *programmed* from a young age that divorce is bad, stay there, be calm, maybe he will *change* (rolls eyes). Alhamdulilah, nowadays, many sisters are getting *stronger* and are willing to be single women/parents. It's very rare for a loser man to change. Inshallah your friends find solutions to their problems. sf
I don't get teh part of the husband telling the sheikh that he can't believe his wife is telling him to get a job? What did the sheikh gonna do, take his side, he's the one that shoudl be providing.
Yeah, I say ditch em. In this day and age and economy, work togetther to live comfortably, or work for yourself, for your own life, and own happiness...on your own, let him fend for himself. Ain't no free rides in North America.
Dump them! No self-respcting Muslim man/father/husband would do such a thing. I understand that there are times when a man might become unemployed, but that is no excuse for him to sit on his duff and puppeteer his wife.
If he doesn't get off his butt and look for alternative employment, he does not deserve the time of the sister's day. There is ALWAYS work for those who want to work. Even if he has to sweep a parking lot or clean toilets until he finds something better. Real men do not mooch off their wives.
(Unless the husband is sick and can't stand on his own two feet)
WOW. That makes me mad. I cannot believe someone would behave like that AND DEMAND they have rights!
AS, sisters. Organica thanks again for writing about real life situations and not hiding the truth just because it isn't pretty. I feel like I have to give my opinion about this topic because my mother went throught that exact situation as sister #2. At the time, I was a child and was aware of how wrong my father's behaivor was. We also came from a very traditional background. My mother wasn't allowed to have friends. It's good to hear that you are sister 1's friend Organica. She needs all the support she can get. My mother left my father and even though there were financial hardships and the gossip from the people in the community...it was worth it!!! I admire my mother so much for stepping up and saying No! I'm not tolerating that. These days, my mother remains having stable employment, purchased a home by herself, and had gone on to become a citizen of the US. It's possible ladies!
Salaams Sis:
How to deal with loser husbands? Lose them! There is an old saying: you can do bad all by yourself. Yes, at times, a wife needs to be patient, but it is not from Islam to stay with a loser husband.
Organica, I wrote anonymously at 11:43 AM. In regards to divorce; does the man have to grant permission for divorce? I thought that if sis#1 could state her case in which the man is clearly wrong, the divorce would be granted to her regardless of his approval. I'm not sure though....it's really sad if she has to stay with him. It just sounds wrong.
Assalamu `alaykum sister Organica et al,
It's always good not to jump to a divorce. But if sister #1 has tried and it just doesn't work, then I surely hope she'll be able to consult a women-friendly shaykh who will issue the divorce for her.
At least in my community now there's a team of formally trained imams who are social workers. They have REALLY made a change in the community because they have become informal "judges" so they do "issue divorces". Thus some loser brothers that have kept abusing sisters on the grounds that they won't grant them a divorce have slowly but surely stared being more careful and getting their act together.
Hajar: agree!
Sacrifice for Allah: Me too! :-(
Anon: SubhanAllah! We need to deal with our issues. I am proud of your mom. Thanks for sharing her story.
Caminanate: I am impressed with your community. We need strong Muslims to stand up for the weak ones.
I pray that this post will be a reminder for us to ACT!
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